One Year On

One year ago today Vic and I started this blog. I didn't realise one year later I would be here and he wouldn't. At that time I guess we had no idea of the enormity of what was going to happen to us. We had been married a week at that time and it seemed we could get through it together whatever happened. It became very clear not long after that, that wouldn't be the case.

I often wonder what we would be doing now if Vic were still here. I've had to do so many things without him in the flesh but he is always with me I just can't see him. I think about him all the time. What would he say about this, what would he make of that, would he paint that wall that colour, etc, etc. I guess the answer has always been whatever the decision was it was rarely we disagreed.

Everyday is different, every anniversary is hard but I feel better when they have passed and I have managed to get through and cope. I find if I am not pressured I can live those 24 hours of memories in my own way and the quieter that day is the better. The next one will by my birthday and thats ready to be seen through as quietly as possible.

Anyway, I just felt it was right to mark the anniversary of this blog. The thousands of words we and I have written have helped me, Vic and all our family and friends but now I feel this should be the end of this blog. It will be on the internet forever but I think it did it's job it told all the news and now there is no more news to share.

For the last time I want to thank everyone who ever looked at this and everyone who left messages. I don't think you will ever understand how much it has meant.

God bless you all.

The 'C' word is nearly here

So its a week to Christmas day. I really don't feel anything towards it at all. It means nothing to me which is so strange. I don't hate it but I'm not looking forward to it, I have no feelings whatsoever, but I suppose a large part of my life feels like that too. Its nearly 8 months since Vic died. I can't believe its been that long since I saw him. At this point in time it seems you reflect back on "what you were doing this time last year". Going through hell is all I can remember which is why I just don't feel like celebrating. Vic absolutely loved Christmas and I know he would be cross I didn't get a tree but all I can hear him saying is can't we chuck the tree out its making me feel claustrophobic. I remember putting the decorations away knowing it was unlikely he would ever see them again.

Anyway, that's enough self pity, I really came on here to post a picture sent to me by the staff on D9 who looked after Vic. They have now had their night out on him. In the end they arranged two nights, one was in London to go and see we will rock you and the other locally at a restaurant to have a meal (which is where the picture is taken) both of which Vic loved to do so both were very fitting. The last thing he said to me as we left that ward for the last time was 'can we do something for the staff, they have been so nice to me and looked after me so well I really want to get them something'. What he really would have loved was to sit around the table with them, feeling better and able to talk to them, laugh with them and get them all a drink. He got his wish just so sad he wasn't there. They told me Tom raised a toast to Vic.

While I'm here and before I go I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. I didn't really get to write many cards its nothing personal I just can't be bothered meant in the nicest way. I sincerely hope you enjoy yourselves.

2nd Visit to Addenbrookes

Following the overwhelming amount raised at Vic's golf day it was decided to take the cheque again up to the ward to present it. Bob and Jo asked me to go along too. I'm glad I did as I was able to face the ward again. It still looked the same, same ill, hairless, haunted faces peeped out from those beds just on different people, the ones before them having gone down that inevitable path. I have found the sooner I face those things that make me feel sick at the thought, the sooner they have been and the "first time" is gone. It's almost like getting back on a bicycle.

The ward manager was overwhelmed by the amount raised which is now up to £12,000.00 and mum and I added another £100 which we won the Saturday before at another event we went to. I can't thank you all enough for what you have all done. I know we wont find a cure for cancer overnight and I know it wont help to save hundreds of lives but it will help to make time on that ward easier. With any residue we have decided to spend it on some new pictures which I wasn't too happy about to start with but the ward manager is going to have the whole ward updated so it may be nice to have a couple of fresh pictures to brighten the place up. I did specify no trains. Vic nearly went insane having to look at the same picture of a steam train for about 10 days.

It seems strange 6 months has nearly gone. The leaves on Vic's beloved tree in our garden have turned the most beautiful shades of red, gold and brown. I think it's more lovely than last year. He loved this time of year even though he hated red and found it the most unlucky colour for him (not only arsenal but the mustang in Hawaii and I still have his never red t-shirt.

Last October was the last real fun we had. He insisted on a huge Halloween party and put every ounce of effort he had into it. He had an absolute ball and it has been an memory that has kept me going. I won't ever forget him dressed as Edward Scissorhands and trying to put white face paint all over his beard! I never knew that would be our last Halloween or the last time he got hopelessly drunk or the last time he would tell Lindsay how gorgeous she looked head to foot in green including her pointed ears. However, its a precious memory so much so I will be out of town that weekend with some of the people who have helped drag me through this personal hell.

Thanks again to all involved in raising money in Vic's memory and if you are planning something for Halloween enjoy it and think of Vic, he loved dressing up and making a fool of himself and just think he didn't know he wouldn't be here to do it again this year!

Vic Dashwood Memorial Golf Day 18th Sept 2008

I just wanted to put a post on Vic's blog to thank all of those who supported Vic's golf day this week. I spoke to Jim who said he still looks at this blog every now and again and it made me think I should just write a few words.

It was a lovely sunny day (so rare at this time of the year)! A true Vic day as me and my family are begining to call them. There were 100 golfers and loads of extra support too. I didn't have to do a thing to help organise it was all done so well by Bob and Jo at Bradnams. Jo though of everything even down to the name tags for all the helpers.

Unfortunately no-one won a hole in one prize, which were all amazing prizes, but due to all the generous gifts of bottles, golf parafanalia and even a voucher for figleaves.com nearly everyone went home with something. There was a huge raffle and a prize giving at the end. The total up to the evening was in the region of £11,000 which is just so overwhelming.

Vic never would have believed he could have been in the centre of something that raised so much money to help others but he would have been so happy that he helped in some way. I can't thank eveyone enough for any part they played that day.

Personally life is still very hard but I try to keep positive. Not a moment in a day goes by when I don't think about him, I miss him all the time and I know I'm not alone in that. It's just so hard when the person who you loved and who loved you in return as much as we did goes it leaves a huge hole. Sadly though life has to go on, you can't stop it and Vic would never have wanted people to be sad he was far too loving and generous for that and he hated tears. However, that was easy for him to say!

Anyway, thanks again to all of you, especially Bob, Jo and all at Bradnams.

Its been a while

I didn't think I would ever place another entry on Vic's blog but just incase anyone still looks at this from time to time I wanted you to know that I went to Addenbrookes Hospital this morning and presented ward D9 with a cheque for £3805.76. It was really hard to go on the ward and lots of tears later we had a photograph taken which I will attach to this asap.

It was so good to see the nurses who had helped Vic so much but revisiting the site of so much pain and misery was awful. I looked in the last room Vic had stayed in and the empty bed made me flash back to Vic perhaps still alive but in the toilet or the shower and due back any moment then I saw an older man sat in front of the window in the chair then i remembered Vic was gone.

I still find it so hard to believe I will never see him again although I see him in my minds eye all the time. Reading all the letters that came with the donations it seems so many other people feel the same. Even being back at work has only help compound the fact that I could, for just a minute, think that Vic was just at work a normal day in our lives him there me here just not able to see each other. On the other hand is that all death is....just not able to see each other!

I dropped into to Bradnams on the way back from the hospital and saw all the familiar faces but still no Vic!

Life has changed immeasurably but is still the mundane dirge of getting up going to work having tea and going to bed it seems even the bereaved are not spared the mundane monotony of this life. It amazes me how your own grief is so insignificant in the grand scale of things and other peoples lives. Life really does go on from the minute Vic drew his last to this minute as I write. I still say I am so very lucky though. I was married to a wonderful man who enriched my life just by being himself in it. Thats not rose tinted glasses thats the truth and for that I am truly grateful I have known just how brilliant life can be its just such a pity your arse has to hit the dirt running again.

Thank you to all who donated, if you are planning to join in the golf day that Bradnams are holding thank you for that too. Vic would have been blown away by how much generosity has been shown through this hideous ordeal. You have all been wonderful.

Susan

Saturday 10th May

Every morning when I wake,

Dear Lord,a little prayer I make,

O please to keep Thy lovely eye

On all poor creatures born to die

And every evening at sundown

I ask a blessing on the town,

For whether we last the night or no

I'm sure is always touch-and-go.

We are not wholly bad or good

Who live our lives under Milk Wood,

And Thou, I know, wilt be the first

To see our best side, not our worst.

O let us see another day!

Bless us all this night, I pray,

And to the sun we all will bow

And say, good-bye--but just for now!

I just wanted to thank all of you for coming to Vic's funeral and to all those unable to attend but sending their best wishes.

A lot of people said, if it is the right thing to say about a funeral, what a lovely day it was and I think I have to agree. It was everything that Vic had asked for including the hearse and four horses.

Although it was very hard to help arrange and conduct my own husbands funeral (obviously Andrew did most of the arranging) I have to say it was easier than I had expected and it felt like an honour to do it.

Today has felt very strange, I feel better now the funeral is over and I don't have to worry about it but at the same time like it was a long time ago and any time now he will come back from the trip is away on and come home.

My sister and Rod, Vic's brother, have both gone back to their respective countries and Auntie Claire is back again to help out with all the new jobs put in front of me. All the household stuff that has to have Vic's name taken off of and all the legal stuff to deal with. Maybe after that it will hit home that he's not coming back.

I realise, even though working in this field and dealing with it every day, death is a strange thing. What is death? Is it the point when you draw your last breath or is it the point you realise they are dead? Or is it just a word and the rest is all feelings? I wish I had the answer but I can see why I have found bereaved people so interesting to work with because the bereaved could all individually answer the question with a million different points of view.

I hope you will all remember Vic with a smile and I hope you have all taken something away with you from Vic's story. If all he has taught you is to live for today don't put off that little things you felt you should have done. If you keeping meaning to visit a relative or friend do it, if you have a burning desire to go to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower, go and do it or if you can't tell someone you love them because its not your thing or you are too embarrassed just think how that person would feel if you never got to tell them and your time came. Would they know you did or would they be left wondering? Never go to sleep on an argument, argue if necessary but make friends after or if it's impossible to make friends after, are they actually your friend after all?

The little things in life are the most important, a note left on the kitchen table just to say hello or tell someone they have a perfect face are priceless. Wild flowers picked from the side of the road are as beautiful as the local florist's most expensive arrangement. A picnic is often far more romantic than a four course meal at the Ritz (not that I've eaten there of course) and one of Vic's more disappointing purchases was a Harrod's hamper! Money doesn't buy you happiness!

I'm not sure that I will be making anymore entries on this blog but I do thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading our story, for taking time to make those all important comments, for all the cards, letter, visits, help in all it's different forms. For all the offers of limousines, hearses, Bearers, etc, etc and for all the donations already received for D9 endowment fund.

It has been a bloody hard and at times painful in all senses of the word, journey for Vic and myself and all our family and friends but Vic's pain is over and even though ours is just beginning he said himself he did not want us to live in the past that is done. He wanted all of us to move on and be happy that we knew him and remember all those fun times we had with him.

Thank you.

Funeral Service Details

This entry is just to let you know the details for Vic's funeral.

It will be held at Ss Peter and Paul's Church, Eye, Suffolk on Saturday 10th May at 12.00 noon. Vic wanted a traditional funeral so please feel free to wear black, but you know Vic if you want to wear bright red thats fine too! Please let me know if you want any directions. You can use Vic's e mail address attached to this blog.

We are asking for family flowers only please but donations if wished for D9 endowment fund. This will be used for equipment for ward D9 at Addenbrookes Hospital which can be sent to Susan Whymark Funeral Service, The Old Stables, Chestnut Farm, Langton Green, Eye, Suffolk, IP23 7HL.

Thanks for all your lovely comments, texts, hundreds of flowers, offers of help and lovely cards sorry I haven't been able to thank you all and reply but I'm sure you can understand. I would also like to say thanks for all the kind offers of limousines, bearers and help with the funeral arrangements its all been so overwhelming but just goes to show what a well liked and respected guy Vic was.

I miss him terribly already it just doesn't seem possible he's gone even though he was so ill. There is a huge hole in this house that will never be filled.