SSDD

Monday's trip to Addenbrookes to see the consultant. He's a nice man and looks a bit like an Iranian Dom Jolly but doesn't have a large telephone with him (fortunately). Spent hours reading 6 month old women's own consuming multiple packs of Walkers french fries.

Other than 6 month old women's own the waiting room is full of so many people going backwards and forwards to blood tests, x ray etc. Some look tired, grumpy, happy, sad, confused and scared. Some are on their own some with relatives some have hair some don't some look perfectly normal some look really sick, some have missing limbs some have full colostomies (I must start thinking before I ask Susan if she's farted at the top of my voice)! The only common ground is we all have cancer or are with someone who has cancer.

I met up with two of my cronies from ward D9. Nick who has cancer in his foot. He's 20 and had a football scholarship in America. it took 11 doctors to diagnose him. He was quite upbeat as usual. He was in the bed next to me when I was admitted. We spent a few nights talking about cancer and chemo. He has had his lifetime allowance of Chemo. He was about to re admitted as his chemo takes 20 hours to go through. He was happy that he ONLY has 7 weeks left.

Then there was Patrick, who shared the ward with me and Nick. He only has one arm. I don't know his story but he's a nice man. This poor man had to endure me and my big mouth on the ward. Just as he passed my bed one day I asked Susan where my arms were? No not under the influence of drugs just wondering why my arms were so thin. My brother Rod later asked him if he needed a hand when trying to open the toilet door!! It must run in the family.

Back in the waiting room the main excitement was when the till roll at the WRVS coffee bar packed up and I had to wait for 3 incredibly old ladies with permed hair to work out how to change it. I spent a full 2 or 3 minutes marvelling at the array of different coloured hair dyes the elderly get their hands on. They had to resort to mental arithmetic occasionally adding separate items of unknown cost just to add to the excitement. Fortunately a Hyacinth Bucket lookalike came to the rescue with a new till roll. I felt proud to be British that this ancient voluntary organisation has kept the NHS going so long.

Typically as I went to consume my large hand full of crisps and sweets the Dr summoned me. The hours of waiting was followed by 2.7 minutes of consultation time to say it was too early to say if the chemo was working and as my cancer is very unusual he will schedule a scan in a couple of weeks. Oh joy how I love to lay in that iron lung just the thing for a claustrophobic who is short on lung capacity (I can feel some Valium coming on). Just as I was leaving, the consultant came through to reception to offer me a blood transfusion, I though that as I hadn't had one of those yet, why not! I feel kind of guilty I only donated 2 pints in the past and will now have it all back in one hit!

An exhausting day, Susan and I made our way home, I finished my day watching my life line, the African Nations, while my other life line (Susan) snored her head off on the settee feeling just as exhausted as me.

I feel tired but content at the moment. Chemo starts again on Wednesday as the Tuesday clinic was full.

Week Off

A week with no chemo is very nice, but psycologically you want the treatment to carry on so you can feel your body is still being attacked vigorously. I seem to have got my drugs sorted out again I think I'll stick to the specialists advice at the hospital and not bother with the GP. My GP decided it was ok to halve my dose of morphine in the morning and at night with chronic consequenses. Went from day tripping to day sweating with pain! I think he is scared of me!

The overwhelming problem I have is BOREDOM. The blog has been a good idea and thank you all for taking the time to read it and reply to me.

It would be nice to have more energy. My lung capacity is still low and it makes me breathless and starved of oxygen. My brain gets very tired and doesn't always function properly, I get confused easily and can't remember things sometimes.

On the plus side I may soon be able to have a blue disabled parking badge so I can't park anywhere I like. My colleague Bob is very kindly trying to get me a cup final ticket in the diabled section. I could then get to see my beloved Tottenham Hotspur.

Back to hospital tomorrow for more tests to see if I am fit enough to have the chemo planned for Tues.

Day Tripping

Time to reduce the MST and oramorph! Woke up early this morning as my wife had to get out for an early start. She was kind enough to leave me a fortisip protein drink (mmmmm) and a cup of tea. I took my normal array of drugs and nodded into a world of euphoria. My whole body felt like it was floating all comforted and warm in my bakewell tart bed I was laying in. Every muscle and sinue in my body was warmed by the overwhelming feeling of calm. No pain, no strain. Just perfect bliss. I LOVE MORPHINE!

The worrying thing was FOUR hours later when my wife returned I was still laying there! And even with Susan's attempts to get me out of bed by putting on the tumble dryer (my enemy since being ill) it was still such an effort to tear myself away from my bakewell tart.

After a conversation with my GP he thought perhaps I should reduce the MST (rather than doubling them like I thought) it appears I have been tripping lately.

After I had come round I had a good afternoon. I feel I have been in the real world talking to people on the phone keeping my sanity. Even our dog has been nice to me today. He hasn't liked me since I've been ill as I don't have the energy to interact with him.

Approaching my next dose of drugs boy I'm gonna miss that tablet!

Learning the hard way

Make sure you listen to other people it's very easy to be wrapped up in your own little world and think you are ok. I find what the mind says you can do and what the body allows you to do are two completely different things.

I wanted to see me daughter who I haven't seen for four weeks and just take her to the cinema and watch a film. Against the advice of everyone else I was going to drive the hour journey to pick her up. After a severe talking to from my wife, my mother-in-law and my best friend I decided this wasn't a good idea. The drugs I am taking (MST) a form of morphine mean I cannot drive.

I was taken to my daughters house by a friend and the journey was horrendous. I felt sick but it was a pleasure to see my daughter. We went to the pictures, a haven of germs I shouldn't have been among waiting to polax my immune system. but I had to do it, I miss her, and my son, so much.

I sat through the film enduring the deafening noises. St. Trinians felt like a couple of hours of nuclear warfare. I don't even know what the film consisted of at all. We were picked up again and took her home. When I got home all I could do was go to bed. I feel like I'm living in a vacuum its so difficult to communicate.

A very valuable lesson was learned last night I can only do what my body says I can do.

I had my second lot of chemo today. After the butcher of Addenbrookes got hold of me and tried to put the needles in four times in each hand I have very bruised hands but I feel very fortunate today. I only had 45 minutes of chemo compared to others there today having to have hours of chemo.

I get a break of two weeks now before I have to go back for the next lot. Hopefully it will give my rib further time to repair. My mother in law Dianne came with me today to keep me company and kept me well entertained. She can talk for hours but she is very interesting.

I came home and had two hours sleep so far so good.

Me

12th January 2008

Incase you have just been browsing and found this and don't know who I am, my name is Vic Dashwood. I am 43 years old (or young) and I was diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks ago.

I decided to start a blog for all those speacial people in my life who want to know how I am doing. It's hard for me to speak for long periods of time as I am very tired and get short of breath so I figured this would be easier on all of us.

An update for all my concerned family, friends and colleagues.

Today I am starting my blog so I can let you all know whats going on and to express my sincere thanks to you all for being there and letting me know you all care.

Today sees me at home, one week on from my wedding day on a beautiful day with sunshine and a lovely blue sky.

Its been a long week. On Monday myself, my wife and my brother Rod went to Addenbrookes to have all my tests to see if I would be fit enough to start my chemo.

As we got into the car after another huge wind breaking cough I felt another excrutiating pain in my ribs. THe ride to Addenbrookes seemed to take forever. When we got there I struggled to the outpatients dept to wait for the tests.

Once I was called up they tried totake my blood but the pain was so much I had to get some pain releif (in the form of oramorph my new best friend) and be taken in wheelchair to the x ray dept. Finally feeling some relief I got to see Dr Yassa Abba my consultant who told me my tumour had changed slightly. Apparently nothing about my condition is "normal" (just like me) I'm the wrong age, it didn't present in the usual way, it's not doing normal things. The tumour is more aggresive.

Dr Abba decided I should stay in hospital for pain releif and a rest I hadn't slept for ages at that point. So reluctantly but sensibly I stayed in. What a way to spend your honeymoon, the oncology ward at Addenbrookes hospital!

So the first night was spent being topped up again and again with morphine til at 6.00am I finally was pain free and exhausted. I slept til 11.00 until my lovely wife Susan and Rod came to visit. We had a good day even though I was very tired and slep on and off most of the day. I started my chemo at around 6.30pm.