Relieved

13 sessions of radiotherapy finished today much to my pure delight. I've got all the normal side effects i.e. indigestion, hiccups, heartburn, lethargy and large red blotches on my chest. It has been quite an ordeal to get through.

Nothing is easy when you have cancer it saps all the strength from your body and without the expertise of another group of wonderful people who know how to put you at ease, I seriously don't know how people get through it. Every morning I said to Susan I really didn't think I could go through it again but with her encouragement to get me there and the radiographers ability to build you up enough to make you get on to that steel table I managed it.

Each day that went past I found myself in a lot more pain from my back and other areas. The radiotherapy weakens your muscles and along with it any damage to muscles from previous injury. I was particularly suffering with an old back injury. I went to see a consultant in pain control at St. Nicholas Hospice yesterday who was brilliant. She prescribed a TENS machine which is often used for pregnant women........

Sorry we have a delay the narrator has fallen asleep. Oh no he's awake again!

.......It sends an electric pulse through your muscle and creates a nerve block so your brain cannot receive a message that you are in pain. Therefore although I can't say the pain has disappeared it is so much better.

My blue disabled parking badge arrived this week too and my wheelchair should be delivered next week. So hopefully I will be all set to enjoy things a little more than I have just lately.

I have come to a point now in the therapy where I hope to see some sort of change in the tumour. It wont be for another 3 or 4 weeks that Dr. Gillingan who is my consultant and all his colleagues will be able to see if there is a better outlook on the tumour or chemotherapy may have to be reconsidered. Obviously I hope the radiotherapy will have had the desired effect but still looking at the young kids and all the different age groups in that clinic...........

Sorry the narrator is now struggling to get his very heavy cardigan off!! Oh he's back! No he's not he's got hiccups now this is the longest entry I've ever had to type. Back again. No his back is hurting again and now he's not comfortable hold on. Here he is.

..... just give you a morale boost along with the caring staff it makes you realise you must never give up.

It's been 4 months and the further I get through it the more confident I get that I can shake this. I see lots of people come out of the wards so much better than when I've seen them arrive it gives you hope and good luck to all of them I hope they can go on to live long and happy lives.

He's very tired now will let you know how he gets on soon!

Radiotherapy 2 weeks on

Strange thing radiotherapy, never really knew what to expect but the overwhelming effect is just pure exhaustion. I don't know if it's co-incidence but my back pain is just unbearable. All I have done is sleep until the pain becomes too much, if I am awake, being a bit of a wimp of a man, it generally means that Susan is awake with me. Poor Susan has to do everything she really is very good to me. The quantity of drugs I am consuming is quite incredible. Everything is antagonised by laying on the steel bed of the radiotherapy table and then trying to get off after such a short period of treatment. It takes 3 nurses to lift me they really are very good, I know I keep stressing that point. I have only got another 3 sessions of radiotherapy before I am re-assessed to see if there has been any benefit.

The weekend so far has been lovely because Susan had arranged for her uncle Ian, auntie Claire and her cousins and their girlfriends to come over and lay a concrete base for our summer house to go on. The Summer house was what we bought with the money we were given for our wedding so to all who contributed thank you. When the Summer house is erected it is going to be a good opportunity to have our friends to stay which is something we would both like very much.

With all the things that Susan has to do, she still she tries to make my life as happy and as comfortable as she possibly can. There is so much going on in her life but she still remembers all the things just to make me that much happier.

This morning was lovely to wake up with a covering of snow. We are very fortunate, as I have said in the past, to live where we live. It is lovely to live with someone who appreciates the same things as I do. The garden looks wonderful.

I am going to have to go now as I have been awake all of an hour and I just cannot do anymore. Sorry if these entries are not flowing very well but nor does my brain.

My Blog

I created this blog for all those people who were interested in me and my day to day trials with my illness. I wanted it to be a place I could offload my thoughts and emotions rather like a journal. I have always kept it to my current personal situation except for one comment. I didn't expect many people would actually be interested in this blog but the responses have been overwhelming in their love and support and so helpful during this difficult time for which I thank you all. I also realise how much it has helped others who want to keep in touch but don't want to impose by having to call, text or email which Susan and I find so little time to respond to. It isn't the correct forum for conflict based on a separate issue to my illness so please can it just be used for what it was originally intended. I am too tired and too sick to be able to cope with such negativity. I hope you can all understand my feelings and I would appreciate your personal aspects to other issues be kept away from this setting.

Unfortunately, today has been really hard again, I have been in an incredible amount of pain which is difficult to control at the moment. The radiotherapy makes me so, so tired I can't explain it. I find it hard to walk more than a few steps due to the sheer exhaustion. I wish I could just have a little more energy to get through it. I struggled to get on and off the radiotherapy table again and had to be lifted up by a male nurse. It just gets harder and harder. Having seen the Dr in the clinic and prescribed more pain killers we made our way home. Lets see what happens tomorrow.

A Big Thank You

I feel I have got a lot of thank yous to do so I thought I would use today's entry to do this.

I spend a lot of time, not feeling sorry for myself, but wrapped up in my own little world which I hope most of you will understand. Today has been a day when I realise people really do care and how much people do for me.

My radiotherapy today was followed up by a consultation with a specialist it was just to ask I felt the treatment was going and to see if there were any problems I may be having. Whilst waiting with the many other cancer sufferers in the clinic, my usual consultant, Dr Haba, rushed through the corridor obviously on his way elsewhere, but he stopped when he saw me and took the time to sit down with me and ask me how I was. He wasn't just passing the niceties of the day he was genuinely concerned with the week I had had and how I was now feeling. He made me feel like he was really my friend not just one of the many patients on his list.

Also today I saw one of the nurses from D9. She is leaving unfortunately and when I left the ward on Tuesday she wasn't around to say goodbye to. She wasn't in uniform and just happened to be in the coffee shop where we were having a cup of tea after the treatment. She called out to me and gave me a huge hug and told me how sad she had been that she didn't get to say goodbye and thought she would never see me again. I felt relieved that I got to say goodbye to her and wished her the best of luck. She is a bloody good nurse.

Through the course of today I have had dealing with my solicitor, over other matters, who also has a genuine concern for me and the predicament I find myself in. She is always empathetic and kind.

All these professionals who would in any other case be just that, professional, but due to what is happening to me they have all gone one step further and me feel that I matter.

Then there are the other people in my life who were there before I was ill but have made it known how much they care and want me to get better. Permanently looking at ways to cheer me up and help me get better.

Today I started the day with a phone call from my sister Diana asking how we were and sending her good wishes, then my mother in law Dianne with her usual good luck call, which was sadly cut short due to the fact we were late leaving (sorry) then on the way to the hospital we spoke to Joan who works for Susan who ended the conversation with her good wishes, as always, and tears because we thanked her for holding Susan's business together (along with all the other members of staff) then when we got to the hospital, Lindsay gave her daily check in call, again cut short as we were trying to park. After that came the several calls with Andrew, also holding Susan's business together. Then a visit from Dianne with more help.

This is just today this is without the food parcels, daffodils and countless cups of tea from our neighbours John and Jane, countless phone calls from other friends, colleagues and family, e mails from my brothers, and all the messages on the blog.

Today ended on a high when my best mate, Andrew Bingham, pulled another surprise out of the bag, he's gone to all the trouble of getting the Tottenham Hotspur players to sign a shirt for me which he bought round for me tonight. I can't put into words how I appreciate all of the hard work Andrew and his lovely family have put in for me. His friendship is very valued he is somebody I can really rely on through good times and bad. Thank you Andrew.

Last but not least Susan, from the first part of waking up in the morning right through the day, which sometimes can be very long and arduous, always supports me and encourages me and just shows me so much love. I'm so lucky to have her in my life, she is a very wonderful human being. I love you always.

This may sound very corny to other people but the idea of the blog is to let people know how I am physically and mentally and I hope that people can appreciate sometimes I just want to thank people because the rest of the time I'm just a moody arse.

She's trying to kill me!

I'm back! Today I realise I have a traitor in the camp! My wife is trying to kill me! Help!

What I actually mean is we discovered why I had such a crap day yesterday. My darling wife, so eager to get my morning medication down my throat, misread the box of Oxycontin (my new new expensive best friend) and what the correct dosage should be. I therefore missed a dose of 10mg of my most important pain relief making me suffer the whole day through.

We only discovered this morning, whilst screaming with pain, and just about to call D9 to discuss what we were doing wrong. She acted so surprised she thinks she just had a blonde moment I think she wants rid of me. So today I have something amusing to write, we knew I would have.

I had my 4th shot of radiotherapy today. Although only short bursts I could barely get off the machine I felt like I'd been welded to it. 3 nurses had to peel me from the rubber matting while I screamed in pain. It seems all women want to see me screaming at the moment. The nurses cheerily waved and said "see you tomorrow". I then had to track down a nurse I could trust to give me some Oxynorm (liquid form of my new new best friend). 10ml later I had my wits about me again. I wonder if I have any friends?

We had a pleasant journey home to our Sanctuary, things seem to be fairly normal in our lives today. I love going home it's the one place I feel at ease and can enjoy the silence after 10 days in a manic hospital ward. You can't believe how incredibly calming silence and peace is to the soul. Theres no better place than home with people who care and just make you feel human again. Only the bath is still scary! It makes me feel like I'm going to drown every time I get in it. This might sound irrational but I've lost so much body muscle I can't seem to pull myself above the water line. I should start some training of some sort to build up some muscle (any ideas Wendy Grogan! (the other one would let me drown)).

Since I have been home going to bed has had an added excitement the purchase of a memory foam mattress. Deep Joy! I climb into bed and get moulded into 3 inches of pure decadence. It's like trying to turn over in mud but every bone in my body has a place to go and although my puny little legs don't make any indentation my large bulbous belly certainly does.

I've just read this back Isn't it amazing what 1 x 10mg tablet of Oxycontin can do to make you feel better (Susan)

Home Again

Still the ghost writer I'm afraid. Vic was released from Hospital yesterday late afternoon. He was very happy to leave but its hard to go back home with the worry you may pick up another infection. We have learnt to take his temperature 3 times a day just to keep check (Vic doesn't show signs of a temperature for some reason)! He did have a nice tea when he got home which seemed to cheer him up and he was really pleased to go to bed and had a fairly comfortable night.

Today has been another hard day. Vic has been in a lot of pain lately and it really drains him so he just doesn't have the energy to even tell me what he wants to put on here.

It's 9.00 pm and he just went to bed, he has had a fairly okay day. I took him to have his 3rd lot of radiotherapy today which he seems to be coping okay with. He's just been through so much its as much as he can do to get out of bed, have a shower, get in the car to go to Addenbrookes, come back again and have something for tea. It's so sad to see him so debilitated we just pray he can keep it all going.

He is finding it so hard lately, he has moments when he is okay but then he just gets so tired he can't keep it all together. I just wish we could have some good news to keep us both going and give us that little glimmer we need.

The comments you all put on here do help. I know we keep saying that but it does. I know you all want to help us but the awful thing is there isn't a great deal any of us can do. Just be there for us and we really do know where you are.

I wish we had something funny to put on here but it really isn't funny at the moment. Sorry today's entry sounds so bleak but the whole idea of the blog is to keep you up to date and to date life is a bit crap.

Thanks to you all again for messages, practical help, and the prayers and thoughts you have sent. I feel awful I can't speak to all of you in person and I feel awful about not replying to text's phone calls and cards but I'm sure you understand this is so hard. Hopefully our next entry will bring something fun or positive.

F**k this is hard

Ghost writer again today. As you can imagine from the title today it is really starting to get very very hard. After the initial euphoria of realising he hadn't actually died the adrenaline stopped and Vic came down with a bang.

The last two days have been the hardest so far both mentally and physically. Vic is extremely down and so incredibly tired I just can't put it into words. Since his kidneys failed and joined back in again he has been going to the toilet every 20 minutes or so, day and night, so as you can imagine he has had no quality sleep for a week. Fortunately the output has slowed down today and he has had a little more rest but he is grumpy, tired, fed up and sad. He is far too sick and tired to even tell me what he wants to say today which is often how we do this. I'm sitting beside him in hospital writing this but there is no input from him into it today.

Reading the comments has had us both in tears, hearing from all those people that Vic used to talk about over tea at night after he'd visited them during the day. It is heartbreaking how quickly our lives have changed. Its good to know how many people are thinking of him though.

He's going to miss the SAIF weekend so much, except for paying for the Indian!!, missing out on things like that is one of the things that upsets him. If anyone reading this is going could you perhaps pass on to everyone our sincere thanks to all those who have sent their wishes to Vic, it really does help, perhaps you could also pass on to such a captive audience, the importance of blood donation for use in cancer treatments. In this 3 bedded ward alone 6 pints of blood have been used in 5 days. That's without what has been used in the chemo unit and the other beds on this ward, A & E, and during operations.

Hopefully the next entry on this blog will tell you he's feeling much better and maybe due to come home. They hope to start the Radiotherapy on Monday so lets hope they do and we start to see some results.

Me and my new best friend

Here we are again back on good old D9. I now have a new best friend (sod Oramorph) my catheter. I'm drinking and weeing to my hearts content. At least certain things are acceptable when you are ill. I just hope I can re-train my brain for when I return home and don't start weeing in bed there!!

I came back to D9 on Friday evening. Having had a pain under my shoulder blade feeling like I had been shot. I crawled to the GP on Friday afternoon and he referred me as an emergency to EMU at West Suffolk. Having dwelled on that decision for at least 30 seconds Susan drove me towards Addenbrookes calling them on the way to book my usual bed! They were happy to have me back and I settled in straight away.

Whilst sitting here with my feet up on Saturday, while 4 of my best friends and Susan worked like trojans to put up Ledley's new run in the garden, I developed a bit of a temperature. Actually a very large temperature caused by sepsis. ((Sepsis is a life-threatening illness. Your body's response to a bacterial infection usually causes it. Your immune system goes into overdrive, overwhelming normal processes in your blood. The result is that small blood clots form, blocking blood flow to vital organs. This can lead to organ failure. Babies, old people and those with weakened immune systems are most likely to get sepsis. But even healthy people can become deathly ill from it. A quick diagnosis can be crucial, because one third of people who get sepsis die from it) (quoted from a website obviously not my words))

It was touch a go for a while there but thankfully due to an amazing Doctor who stayed with me all night and all the wonderful nursing staff on D9 I am here to tell the tale. My kidneys have been a little compromised but they seem to be working again now, my liver is now having some attention due to the massive input then output of fluids given to me. The michelin man has nothing on me!

Anyway, I managed to have a shower today with Susan's help, changed my clothes, changed the bed and I feel like a new man again. That and 3 pints of blood! Still having the fluid but feel so much better.

My children came to see me last night which was just amazing. It was so lovely to see them and the best tonic out of all the drugs I could have. I miss them so much even more so now I am not well.

Unfortunately, yesterday saw the loss of a friend of ours to cancer. She was only 18 and was diagnosed last Summer. On the day of our wedding we heard she had been given the all clear but sadly it was not to last and after a terrific fight she lost the battle and passed away. It makes me so sad to hear she has gone she had a lot of life to live it saddens me very much. I only met her on a couple of occasions but she impressed me with her strong will. Lets hope she is in a better place she will be sadly missed.

I would like to thank all of you for your wishes and anyone who didn't know I was in here again sorry but thats why we write the blog. Susan doesn't get time to call you all and I am just too tired. I would like to say a huge thank you to Del, Andrew, Simon and John for their time and effort with the dog run which I think looks wonderful (from the photo) and will make our lives so much easier. Ledley apparently likes it as long as his football is in there!

So for now I am going to sign off til next time. We will be posting the updates as they come. Oh and by the way the Radiotherapy has been cancelled for today but hopefully may start tomorrow. To all of you who have offered lifts thanks, if we haven't cancelled you yet sorry you were overlooked but as you can see its been hectic lately! Susan will let you know if we need lifts for the remainder of the treatment.