29th May 1964 - 29th April 2008

I was never looking forward to writing this entry but here it is. I'm so sorry to tell you all that today we all lost a very precious person and I lost my best friend, my husband and my soul mate.

It was very hard at the end. He was determined not to go and he would not go without a huge struggle. He battled with everything he had but it was all too much. He is at peace now he doesn't have to struggle anymore. He won't have to go through all that treatment, ups, downs, travelling, pain, pain on a scale we can hopefully never imagine. I feel pleased for him that its all over, there was no way he could have gone on any longer with all the things that were wrong.

He had a constant stream of visitors and cards and well wishes and hopes and he was so surprised how nice everyone was to him. He never realised how liked and respected he was. His sisters had been with him for hours but I think he wanted to upset the minimal amount of people and went with just us here.

We did everything we possibly could on every level. He wouldn't of been able to die in the peace of his own home had mum not been here and having found out the hospital sent him home with only 3 or 4 days left it makes you realise how happy he was when he made 2 and a half weeks.

He truly was a unique individual and the world is a sadder place now he is not in it but it has been a very happy and blessed place to have had him here at all.

Thank you for all you have put on Vic's blog he loved reading it and what lovely things you all put. We are so lucky to have so many caring friends.

The blossoms have gone

Well it seems Vic and his blossom tree have more of a link than I thought. The blossoms on the tree have faded and now it is covered in new green leaves. In the last couple of days Vic has also started to fade. He was obviously starting to become anaemic which is something that has happened in the past but it became clear it was something different this time. It seems Vic has suffered some changes internally that have meant his syringe driver is now on a very high dose to keep him pain free and he is now peaceful.

The good thing is Vic got to go into his beloved Summerhouse on Friday as you can see and enjoyed every moment of it he even liked how it smelled. He loved the view from the windows he could see how green everything was. It was as perfect as he had imagined. Even the fresh air on his face was so lovely to him.

In the last few days he has said how happy he is and if he died tomorrow he would be a happy man. His life may of had its ups and downs over the last few years but he is at peace with himself at last.

The decline since yesterday has been very rapid but among other things he said he would fight this and he is although I think as I write he knows he is safe and comfortable and the fight is for his sake and not ours. I'm just so glad he got to come home to his Sanctuary to see the garden, have friends over, enjoy lots of good food and to laugh. This last few weeks have been so incredibly precious and ones I would not change the way they were lived for the world. Being lucky is not about winning the lottery or finding a fiver on the pavement its about being happy in yourself and being lucky enough to have people who really want to help and genuinely care for you when you can't help yourself and from that point of view both Vic and I truly have been blessed.

I know he would want to thank you all for reading today, for all the love, support, cards and expressions of kindness shown to us in so many ways and for the extremely large box of chocolates received yesterday morning which he did sincerely enjoy some of and as you can see from the picture you wouldn't have know the next 24hours would see so much change.

Obviously the next entry will follow all too soon but please bear in mind his blossom tree and if there is somewhere else I pray he will have his new green leaves

With friends like Rod who needs enemas

It's been a long day today. Vic has spent most of the day asleep. The day started very early as Vic was in a great deal of discomfort. After mum had woken him up to change his syringe driver at 2.30 am it appeared his catheter had blocked. We tried to sort it out but at 6.00 am it seemed we had to call the on call Dr. Unfortunately the Dr decided replacing a catheter was not a job for her and we should take him to A & E! To cut a long story short a district nurse finally came out to see him at 10.00 am and helped him out. It's very distressing to watch someone unable to have a wee! They get more and more restless and full up. Unfortunately mum had to give him a lot of extra pain relief which is why he spent most of the day asleep.

Thank God Auntie Claire came back to help us today which fills the gap of Rod and Moe leaving us today. Poor Rod had to leave his poorly little brother not knowing if he was feeling more comfortable or not. Fortunately he was able to call from the airport and find out he was much more comfy.

The title of the blog was thought up by Rod and I. During his stay Rod has had moments of absent mindedness like putting his chair leg on Vic's oxygen tube, putting his knee against the electric control for Vic's bed making him sit up or lay down involuntarily or helping Vic with his dinner by loading the fork up with chokingly large amounts to which my mother said "with friends like you who needs enemies" which hastily got changed to the title above as obviously Vic has had a little help in that department lately at times with regular hilarity all round (including from Vic).

Sadly though the day has been exhausting for Vic. He's been very sad today for various reasons and as I write he is fidgeting to get comfortable and his bottom is numb. Once we find the right position he can usually go off to sleep but tonight he can't.......

.......The blog had to be left last night as Vic was so restless it took all three of us to get him finally comfortable. He had another dreadful night and woke us twice in pain. Mum zonked him out at 4.50 am and he got off to sleep until we got up at 8.00am. Therefore today his syringe drivers were increased with more pain relief. Which means he sleeps more with the increased sedation and because he is more comfortable feels more sleepy too. Pain is very tiring.

At present he is laying very still with his oxygen in place peacefully sleeping, full of a nice dinner and a piece of Heidi's treacle tart. Such a shame we have to move him in a few minutes to give his his last lot of pain killers and turn him over. Having said that he's just woken up on one of his la la land trips and asked about the large picture of a blonde actress called Barbara (or even Marilyn Monroe we later realise) that we had hung in front of him over his bed (no wonder they use one of the drugs Vic is on ((Midazolam)) to remove wisdom teeth under sedation). God bless him.

I hope this isn't too boring reading, the days aren't terribly exciting, very full, but not exciting. Thank goodness we have lots of visitors to interject a bit of distraction.

I'd also like to advise you that the format of leaving comments has been changed. You will need to register as a regular user or if you want to remain anonymous your comment will be vetted for suitability before being shown on the blog I hope you can appreciate our reasons for this.

Tired

It's the ghost writer today but it seems people are getting desperate to know whats going on here so I thought I was better than nothing at all.

Well things here are pretty much the same. Rod's wife Moe flew in from Oregon on Tuesday so there's lots of Dashwoods in the house which has been lovely. Unfortunately Rod and Moe fly back on Tuesday and we will miss them. My Auntie Claire went home for the weekend and we miss her too but she's coming back next week to help us.

Vic's eldest brother Mick and his wife Herta and their daughter Alice came to see Vic today. It was good to see the three brothers all together again sharing stories of their memories from their childhood. They are coming back tomorrow and Vic's sister Rosemarie and other sister Diana are also coming too so they will all be back together again in one (very small) house.

Vic is all settled down for the evening and Rod and Moe went up at 9.30pm, mum is now going up too and I won't be long either. We are all bloody knackered. My mum has to get up at 2.30am to change one of Vic's syringe drivers, the other one lasts for 24 hours and the district nurse changes that one. His pain seems to be quite well controlled at the moment and he doesn't have too many points where he rambles and talks bollocks but how long that will last I don't know. Otherwise he sleeps a lot, we all laugh quite a lot, he still says how lucky he is and he still says thank you and apologises profusely for all the work he causes.

He is confined to bed all the time except for one venture onto the commode but that didn't last long as his back started to hurt. Mum and I turn him onto his side and back onto his back a few times during the day. His appetite is still good but we have to fit meals around naps so sometimes his dinner is microwaved a couple of times before he actually eats it. He still drinks lots of tea and never turns down chocolate, but as his sister-in-law cleverly reminded us Chocolate can help produce endorphins and we all know how good they are.

Ledley gets a long walk everyday thanks to Rod and Moe who are enjoying the lovely countryside around us. He's been a really good boy lately thanks to them.

The days seem to fly by it's a bit like being on holiday when you don't know what day it is and there is no real schedule for the day. Usually we get up around 7.00am to give Vic his tablets then we have a cup of tea and try get Vic comfy. By around 10.00 it's time to give Vic a wash and dress him then he's usually exhausted and ready for a sleep. Then we clear the house up, fill the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and tumble dryer and clean the kitchen floor after Ledley has bought half the garden in with him. After all that its lunch time and Vic's awake again. After a bit of DIY or some other task that's appeared (today I fitted a new loo seat and fixed the flush handle on the cistern) it's time for tea after that it's time to settle Vic down again then we are back to square one, however I used to go to work as well I'll never know.

Other than this not a lot has happened. As usual we want to thank everyone for all their help whether that's in the form of food, the daily newspaper, bread and milk, a shoulder to cry on, company, a laugh, massage, a listening ear, helping to run my business, however large or small it all helps us and we are all very grateful. Thank you. Keep sending the messages.

Back home again

I came home on Thursday afternoon in an ambulance with two lovely ladies who made it a nice comfortable ride. My hospital bed was waiting for me all set up in our living room in front of the window where I can see the flowering cherry and the summerhouse. It's really pretty that tree. My brother Rod had flown in from Japan during the week and he followed us home and helped settle me in along with my mother-in-law and my auntie Claire who has come over from Kent to help care for me.

It's nice to be home out of hospital back into your own home, even though the drugs make me unable to recognise it at times. I feel tired, that's all I ever seem to say.

It's taken 2 days to write those two paragraphs. Its getting harder for him to concentrate on the job at hand and he spends a lot of the time confused about where he is and whats happening to his body.

Vic is unable to walk, stand or even sit in a wheelchair so sadly he hasn't been able to go into his beloved Summer house which seems so cruel. What also seems cruel is he sometimes doesn't even know it's his. All this confusion is bought about by the sheer volume of pain killers and sedatives he is having to take for the pain. When cancer spreads to your bones it is incredibly painful, pain that we just can't measure and pain we would all gladly bear for him if we could.

All the time his pain increases the pain killers go up the sedation goes up the level of clarity decreases. It's so sad to see such an amazing human being slowly robbed of basic faculties and function. Sometimes he gets sad about it and cries other times he's happily oblivious to it all.

Its been very special being able to have him home, free from other patients, nurses coming in and out and very horrible food. The good thing is Vic knows he likes food so we are able to keep some meat on his bones even though his legs are wasting at a shocking rate due to the lack of movement.

The thing that amazes me about Vic, although I don't know why I'm amazed because it's typical of Vic, he says thank you about 1000 times a day and I'm so lucky. I feel we are both lucky to have my mother here who has been brilliant, which is a word that no-where near covers it, if it wasn't for her and I really mean if it wasn't for her Vic would have spent the rest of his life in either the Hospital or the Hospice. We have scared the district nurses half to death with the level dosages of drugs being put into his syringe driver and our GP who is sitting with Vic as I write is obviously very lost for words. Our rural location means we can't have the hospice at home and makes it difficult to have the nursing care needed to help someone as sick and in pain as Vic is. So therefore if my mother wasn't on hand 24 hours a day (she moved in with us) it just wouldn't be possible.

Vic knows he loves his home, he loves the view from the window, the birds go back and forth to the nuts hanging in the blossom tree and he takes it all in. Most of the time he's quite content to be lucky to be alive otherwise he has a few minutes of self pity and anger over what has happened.

For the 5th time today mum is just reminding Vic he can't get out of bed. He has lapses of memory and tries to get out of bed and walk to the toilet he now has a 24 hour armed guard!

I know Vic would want to say thanks to my mum and especially my auntie Claire who has also moved down to stay and look after Vic. He is washed, bed changed, clothes changed, clothes washed, fed, stroked, talked to, encouraged, petted, kissed, hugged. Without all these kind people I don't know what we would have done. In Vic's words we are so lucky.

Thanks for all the lovely messages left on the previous entry, they are lovely and make him feel so loved and cared for and also thanks to all those who have been able to drop in and visit.

Since finishing the radiotherapy and having the pain management put in place by the Hospice, though still feeling very tender I still had very positive thoughts. I was still struggling to sleep well and taking copious amounts of medicines but I really felt I was getting somewhere. All I had to do was wait 2 to 3 weeks to go and be re-assessed by the specialists. Spring was now here and although the unexpected snow was a suprise to me it just showed our beautiful house in more of its natural beauty. During the day I could usually manage but 3 weeks after discharge from D9 I did find myself struggling which ended on Wednesday evening when I was brought back to D9 again in the most severe pain so far.

Thursday I hardly remember, the only thing they could do to block the pain was to partially sedate me all together this was the only respite I could get. The TENS machine, which was working, would not reach the pain levels and I was having to have more and more pain control basically anything I could get my hands on that was legally supplied by the hospital. I had a scan and an x ray which showed the radiotherapy has had no effect at all and the tumour is getting larger and that a secondary growth on my spine has caused a fracture, the reason for the severe pain. This throws up the predicament that if chemo and radiotherapy have no effect at all after discussions with Susan we both feel its better to have quality of life than quantity.

So in light of this Addenbrookes hospital have been exceptional and they have agreed to get all the equipment to my house that I will need to be looked after with there because though i am not going to stop fighting, I would rather do it from the comfort of my own house and I don't particularly want to die in hospital. With all the wonderful support from Susan, her mum, her uncle Ian and auntie Claire, Andrew Bingham, my best man, and numerous other people, and I hope you know who you all are, too many to mention, I feel I will be well looked after.

I'd like to be able to spend the last few months, weeks or whatever, re-building the bond and the love between me and my lovely kids. All my family have been exceptional, sometimes I feel they get neglected off the blog, not because I have taken them for granted, but they have always been there and phone me regularly and send me e mails and if one good thing has come from all this, I have regained my family who I hope realise now that lifes too short to harbour grudges or take things in a negative vein, I always loved all my family but other things always seemed to get in the way, maybe through mixed loyaltees but the most important things is what is happening right now and it is important to stay close and love each other as brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, nieces and nephews and at least try and see everybody as regularly as humanly possible.
Rest assured 43 years haven't been wasted and it's important that everybody, if possible, keeps in touch including all the grandchildren beacuse we all need somebody in our darkest moments.

For now though my next battle is getting home, seeing my Summerhouse and spending some quality time at home. I'll let you know how it goes but for now God bless you all.