Since finishing the radiotherapy and having the pain management put in place by the Hospice, though still feeling very tender I still had very positive thoughts. I was still struggling to sleep well and taking copious amounts of medicines but I really felt I was getting somewhere. All I had to do was wait 2 to 3 weeks to go and be re-assessed by the specialists. Spring was now here and although the unexpected snow was a suprise to me it just showed our beautiful house in more of its natural beauty. During the day I could usually manage but 3 weeks after discharge from D9 I did find myself struggling which ended on Wednesday evening when I was brought back to D9 again in the most severe pain so far.

Thursday I hardly remember, the only thing they could do to block the pain was to partially sedate me all together this was the only respite I could get. The TENS machine, which was working, would not reach the pain levels and I was having to have more and more pain control basically anything I could get my hands on that was legally supplied by the hospital. I had a scan and an x ray which showed the radiotherapy has had no effect at all and the tumour is getting larger and that a secondary growth on my spine has caused a fracture, the reason for the severe pain. This throws up the predicament that if chemo and radiotherapy have no effect at all after discussions with Susan we both feel its better to have quality of life than quantity.

So in light of this Addenbrookes hospital have been exceptional and they have agreed to get all the equipment to my house that I will need to be looked after with there because though i am not going to stop fighting, I would rather do it from the comfort of my own house and I don't particularly want to die in hospital. With all the wonderful support from Susan, her mum, her uncle Ian and auntie Claire, Andrew Bingham, my best man, and numerous other people, and I hope you know who you all are, too many to mention, I feel I will be well looked after.

I'd like to be able to spend the last few months, weeks or whatever, re-building the bond and the love between me and my lovely kids. All my family have been exceptional, sometimes I feel they get neglected off the blog, not because I have taken them for granted, but they have always been there and phone me regularly and send me e mails and if one good thing has come from all this, I have regained my family who I hope realise now that lifes too short to harbour grudges or take things in a negative vein, I always loved all my family but other things always seemed to get in the way, maybe through mixed loyaltees but the most important things is what is happening right now and it is important to stay close and love each other as brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, nieces and nephews and at least try and see everybody as regularly as humanly possible.
Rest assured 43 years haven't been wasted and it's important that everybody, if possible, keeps in touch including all the grandchildren beacuse we all need somebody in our darkest moments.

For now though my next battle is getting home, seeing my Summerhouse and spending some quality time at home. I'll let you know how it goes but for now God bless you all.