Its been a while

I didn't think I would ever place another entry on Vic's blog but just incase anyone still looks at this from time to time I wanted you to know that I went to Addenbrookes Hospital this morning and presented ward D9 with a cheque for £3805.76. It was really hard to go on the ward and lots of tears later we had a photograph taken which I will attach to this asap.

It was so good to see the nurses who had helped Vic so much but revisiting the site of so much pain and misery was awful. I looked in the last room Vic had stayed in and the empty bed made me flash back to Vic perhaps still alive but in the toilet or the shower and due back any moment then I saw an older man sat in front of the window in the chair then i remembered Vic was gone.

I still find it so hard to believe I will never see him again although I see him in my minds eye all the time. Reading all the letters that came with the donations it seems so many other people feel the same. Even being back at work has only help compound the fact that I could, for just a minute, think that Vic was just at work a normal day in our lives him there me here just not able to see each other. On the other hand is that all death is....just not able to see each other!

I dropped into to Bradnams on the way back from the hospital and saw all the familiar faces but still no Vic!

Life has changed immeasurably but is still the mundane dirge of getting up going to work having tea and going to bed it seems even the bereaved are not spared the mundane monotony of this life. It amazes me how your own grief is so insignificant in the grand scale of things and other peoples lives. Life really does go on from the minute Vic drew his last to this minute as I write. I still say I am so very lucky though. I was married to a wonderful man who enriched my life just by being himself in it. Thats not rose tinted glasses thats the truth and for that I am truly grateful I have known just how brilliant life can be its just such a pity your arse has to hit the dirt running again.

Thank you to all who donated, if you are planning to join in the golf day that Bradnams are holding thank you for that too. Vic would have been blown away by how much generosity has been shown through this hideous ordeal. You have all been wonderful.

Susan

Saturday 10th May

Every morning when I wake,

Dear Lord,a little prayer I make,

O please to keep Thy lovely eye

On all poor creatures born to die

And every evening at sundown

I ask a blessing on the town,

For whether we last the night or no

I'm sure is always touch-and-go.

We are not wholly bad or good

Who live our lives under Milk Wood,

And Thou, I know, wilt be the first

To see our best side, not our worst.

O let us see another day!

Bless us all this night, I pray,

And to the sun we all will bow

And say, good-bye--but just for now!

I just wanted to thank all of you for coming to Vic's funeral and to all those unable to attend but sending their best wishes.

A lot of people said, if it is the right thing to say about a funeral, what a lovely day it was and I think I have to agree. It was everything that Vic had asked for including the hearse and four horses.

Although it was very hard to help arrange and conduct my own husbands funeral (obviously Andrew did most of the arranging) I have to say it was easier than I had expected and it felt like an honour to do it.

Today has felt very strange, I feel better now the funeral is over and I don't have to worry about it but at the same time like it was a long time ago and any time now he will come back from the trip is away on and come home.

My sister and Rod, Vic's brother, have both gone back to their respective countries and Auntie Claire is back again to help out with all the new jobs put in front of me. All the household stuff that has to have Vic's name taken off of and all the legal stuff to deal with. Maybe after that it will hit home that he's not coming back.

I realise, even though working in this field and dealing with it every day, death is a strange thing. What is death? Is it the point when you draw your last breath or is it the point you realise they are dead? Or is it just a word and the rest is all feelings? I wish I had the answer but I can see why I have found bereaved people so interesting to work with because the bereaved could all individually answer the question with a million different points of view.

I hope you will all remember Vic with a smile and I hope you have all taken something away with you from Vic's story. If all he has taught you is to live for today don't put off that little things you felt you should have done. If you keeping meaning to visit a relative or friend do it, if you have a burning desire to go to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower, go and do it or if you can't tell someone you love them because its not your thing or you are too embarrassed just think how that person would feel if you never got to tell them and your time came. Would they know you did or would they be left wondering? Never go to sleep on an argument, argue if necessary but make friends after or if it's impossible to make friends after, are they actually your friend after all?

The little things in life are the most important, a note left on the kitchen table just to say hello or tell someone they have a perfect face are priceless. Wild flowers picked from the side of the road are as beautiful as the local florist's most expensive arrangement. A picnic is often far more romantic than a four course meal at the Ritz (not that I've eaten there of course) and one of Vic's more disappointing purchases was a Harrod's hamper! Money doesn't buy you happiness!

I'm not sure that I will be making anymore entries on this blog but I do thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading our story, for taking time to make those all important comments, for all the cards, letter, visits, help in all it's different forms. For all the offers of limousines, hearses, Bearers, etc, etc and for all the donations already received for D9 endowment fund.

It has been a bloody hard and at times painful in all senses of the word, journey for Vic and myself and all our family and friends but Vic's pain is over and even though ours is just beginning he said himself he did not want us to live in the past that is done. He wanted all of us to move on and be happy that we knew him and remember all those fun times we had with him.

Thank you.

Funeral Service Details

This entry is just to let you know the details for Vic's funeral.

It will be held at Ss Peter and Paul's Church, Eye, Suffolk on Saturday 10th May at 12.00 noon. Vic wanted a traditional funeral so please feel free to wear black, but you know Vic if you want to wear bright red thats fine too! Please let me know if you want any directions. You can use Vic's e mail address attached to this blog.

We are asking for family flowers only please but donations if wished for D9 endowment fund. This will be used for equipment for ward D9 at Addenbrookes Hospital which can be sent to Susan Whymark Funeral Service, The Old Stables, Chestnut Farm, Langton Green, Eye, Suffolk, IP23 7HL.

Thanks for all your lovely comments, texts, hundreds of flowers, offers of help and lovely cards sorry I haven't been able to thank you all and reply but I'm sure you can understand. I would also like to say thanks for all the kind offers of limousines, bearers and help with the funeral arrangements its all been so overwhelming but just goes to show what a well liked and respected guy Vic was.

I miss him terribly already it just doesn't seem possible he's gone even though he was so ill. There is a huge hole in this house that will never be filled.

29th May 1964 - 29th April 2008

I was never looking forward to writing this entry but here it is. I'm so sorry to tell you all that today we all lost a very precious person and I lost my best friend, my husband and my soul mate.

It was very hard at the end. He was determined not to go and he would not go without a huge struggle. He battled with everything he had but it was all too much. He is at peace now he doesn't have to struggle anymore. He won't have to go through all that treatment, ups, downs, travelling, pain, pain on a scale we can hopefully never imagine. I feel pleased for him that its all over, there was no way he could have gone on any longer with all the things that were wrong.

He had a constant stream of visitors and cards and well wishes and hopes and he was so surprised how nice everyone was to him. He never realised how liked and respected he was. His sisters had been with him for hours but I think he wanted to upset the minimal amount of people and went with just us here.

We did everything we possibly could on every level. He wouldn't of been able to die in the peace of his own home had mum not been here and having found out the hospital sent him home with only 3 or 4 days left it makes you realise how happy he was when he made 2 and a half weeks.

He truly was a unique individual and the world is a sadder place now he is not in it but it has been a very happy and blessed place to have had him here at all.

Thank you for all you have put on Vic's blog he loved reading it and what lovely things you all put. We are so lucky to have so many caring friends.

The blossoms have gone

Well it seems Vic and his blossom tree have more of a link than I thought. The blossoms on the tree have faded and now it is covered in new green leaves. In the last couple of days Vic has also started to fade. He was obviously starting to become anaemic which is something that has happened in the past but it became clear it was something different this time. It seems Vic has suffered some changes internally that have meant his syringe driver is now on a very high dose to keep him pain free and he is now peaceful.

The good thing is Vic got to go into his beloved Summerhouse on Friday as you can see and enjoyed every moment of it he even liked how it smelled. He loved the view from the windows he could see how green everything was. It was as perfect as he had imagined. Even the fresh air on his face was so lovely to him.

In the last few days he has said how happy he is and if he died tomorrow he would be a happy man. His life may of had its ups and downs over the last few years but he is at peace with himself at last.

The decline since yesterday has been very rapid but among other things he said he would fight this and he is although I think as I write he knows he is safe and comfortable and the fight is for his sake and not ours. I'm just so glad he got to come home to his Sanctuary to see the garden, have friends over, enjoy lots of good food and to laugh. This last few weeks have been so incredibly precious and ones I would not change the way they were lived for the world. Being lucky is not about winning the lottery or finding a fiver on the pavement its about being happy in yourself and being lucky enough to have people who really want to help and genuinely care for you when you can't help yourself and from that point of view both Vic and I truly have been blessed.

I know he would want to thank you all for reading today, for all the love, support, cards and expressions of kindness shown to us in so many ways and for the extremely large box of chocolates received yesterday morning which he did sincerely enjoy some of and as you can see from the picture you wouldn't have know the next 24hours would see so much change.

Obviously the next entry will follow all too soon but please bear in mind his blossom tree and if there is somewhere else I pray he will have his new green leaves

With friends like Rod who needs enemas

It's been a long day today. Vic has spent most of the day asleep. The day started very early as Vic was in a great deal of discomfort. After mum had woken him up to change his syringe driver at 2.30 am it appeared his catheter had blocked. We tried to sort it out but at 6.00 am it seemed we had to call the on call Dr. Unfortunately the Dr decided replacing a catheter was not a job for her and we should take him to A & E! To cut a long story short a district nurse finally came out to see him at 10.00 am and helped him out. It's very distressing to watch someone unable to have a wee! They get more and more restless and full up. Unfortunately mum had to give him a lot of extra pain relief which is why he spent most of the day asleep.

Thank God Auntie Claire came back to help us today which fills the gap of Rod and Moe leaving us today. Poor Rod had to leave his poorly little brother not knowing if he was feeling more comfortable or not. Fortunately he was able to call from the airport and find out he was much more comfy.

The title of the blog was thought up by Rod and I. During his stay Rod has had moments of absent mindedness like putting his chair leg on Vic's oxygen tube, putting his knee against the electric control for Vic's bed making him sit up or lay down involuntarily or helping Vic with his dinner by loading the fork up with chokingly large amounts to which my mother said "with friends like you who needs enemies" which hastily got changed to the title above as obviously Vic has had a little help in that department lately at times with regular hilarity all round (including from Vic).

Sadly though the day has been exhausting for Vic. He's been very sad today for various reasons and as I write he is fidgeting to get comfortable and his bottom is numb. Once we find the right position he can usually go off to sleep but tonight he can't.......

.......The blog had to be left last night as Vic was so restless it took all three of us to get him finally comfortable. He had another dreadful night and woke us twice in pain. Mum zonked him out at 4.50 am and he got off to sleep until we got up at 8.00am. Therefore today his syringe drivers were increased with more pain relief. Which means he sleeps more with the increased sedation and because he is more comfortable feels more sleepy too. Pain is very tiring.

At present he is laying very still with his oxygen in place peacefully sleeping, full of a nice dinner and a piece of Heidi's treacle tart. Such a shame we have to move him in a few minutes to give his his last lot of pain killers and turn him over. Having said that he's just woken up on one of his la la land trips and asked about the large picture of a blonde actress called Barbara (or even Marilyn Monroe we later realise) that we had hung in front of him over his bed (no wonder they use one of the drugs Vic is on ((Midazolam)) to remove wisdom teeth under sedation). God bless him.

I hope this isn't too boring reading, the days aren't terribly exciting, very full, but not exciting. Thank goodness we have lots of visitors to interject a bit of distraction.

I'd also like to advise you that the format of leaving comments has been changed. You will need to register as a regular user or if you want to remain anonymous your comment will be vetted for suitability before being shown on the blog I hope you can appreciate our reasons for this.

Tired

It's the ghost writer today but it seems people are getting desperate to know whats going on here so I thought I was better than nothing at all.

Well things here are pretty much the same. Rod's wife Moe flew in from Oregon on Tuesday so there's lots of Dashwoods in the house which has been lovely. Unfortunately Rod and Moe fly back on Tuesday and we will miss them. My Auntie Claire went home for the weekend and we miss her too but she's coming back next week to help us.

Vic's eldest brother Mick and his wife Herta and their daughter Alice came to see Vic today. It was good to see the three brothers all together again sharing stories of their memories from their childhood. They are coming back tomorrow and Vic's sister Rosemarie and other sister Diana are also coming too so they will all be back together again in one (very small) house.

Vic is all settled down for the evening and Rod and Moe went up at 9.30pm, mum is now going up too and I won't be long either. We are all bloody knackered. My mum has to get up at 2.30am to change one of Vic's syringe drivers, the other one lasts for 24 hours and the district nurse changes that one. His pain seems to be quite well controlled at the moment and he doesn't have too many points where he rambles and talks bollocks but how long that will last I don't know. Otherwise he sleeps a lot, we all laugh quite a lot, he still says how lucky he is and he still says thank you and apologises profusely for all the work he causes.

He is confined to bed all the time except for one venture onto the commode but that didn't last long as his back started to hurt. Mum and I turn him onto his side and back onto his back a few times during the day. His appetite is still good but we have to fit meals around naps so sometimes his dinner is microwaved a couple of times before he actually eats it. He still drinks lots of tea and never turns down chocolate, but as his sister-in-law cleverly reminded us Chocolate can help produce endorphins and we all know how good they are.

Ledley gets a long walk everyday thanks to Rod and Moe who are enjoying the lovely countryside around us. He's been a really good boy lately thanks to them.

The days seem to fly by it's a bit like being on holiday when you don't know what day it is and there is no real schedule for the day. Usually we get up around 7.00am to give Vic his tablets then we have a cup of tea and try get Vic comfy. By around 10.00 it's time to give Vic a wash and dress him then he's usually exhausted and ready for a sleep. Then we clear the house up, fill the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and tumble dryer and clean the kitchen floor after Ledley has bought half the garden in with him. After all that its lunch time and Vic's awake again. After a bit of DIY or some other task that's appeared (today I fitted a new loo seat and fixed the flush handle on the cistern) it's time for tea after that it's time to settle Vic down again then we are back to square one, however I used to go to work as well I'll never know.

Other than this not a lot has happened. As usual we want to thank everyone for all their help whether that's in the form of food, the daily newspaper, bread and milk, a shoulder to cry on, company, a laugh, massage, a listening ear, helping to run my business, however large or small it all helps us and we are all very grateful. Thank you. Keep sending the messages.