The 'C' word is nearly here

So its a week to Christmas day. I really don't feel anything towards it at all. It means nothing to me which is so strange. I don't hate it but I'm not looking forward to it, I have no feelings whatsoever, but I suppose a large part of my life feels like that too. Its nearly 8 months since Vic died. I can't believe its been that long since I saw him. At this point in time it seems you reflect back on "what you were doing this time last year". Going through hell is all I can remember which is why I just don't feel like celebrating. Vic absolutely loved Christmas and I know he would be cross I didn't get a tree but all I can hear him saying is can't we chuck the tree out its making me feel claustrophobic. I remember putting the decorations away knowing it was unlikely he would ever see them again.

Anyway, that's enough self pity, I really came on here to post a picture sent to me by the staff on D9 who looked after Vic. They have now had their night out on him. In the end they arranged two nights, one was in London to go and see we will rock you and the other locally at a restaurant to have a meal (which is where the picture is taken) both of which Vic loved to do so both were very fitting. The last thing he said to me as we left that ward for the last time was 'can we do something for the staff, they have been so nice to me and looked after me so well I really want to get them something'. What he really would have loved was to sit around the table with them, feeling better and able to talk to them, laugh with them and get them all a drink. He got his wish just so sad he wasn't there. They told me Tom raised a toast to Vic.

While I'm here and before I go I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. I didn't really get to write many cards its nothing personal I just can't be bothered meant in the nicest way. I sincerely hope you enjoy yourselves.

2nd Visit to Addenbrookes

Following the overwhelming amount raised at Vic's golf day it was decided to take the cheque again up to the ward to present it. Bob and Jo asked me to go along too. I'm glad I did as I was able to face the ward again. It still looked the same, same ill, hairless, haunted faces peeped out from those beds just on different people, the ones before them having gone down that inevitable path. I have found the sooner I face those things that make me feel sick at the thought, the sooner they have been and the "first time" is gone. It's almost like getting back on a bicycle.

The ward manager was overwhelmed by the amount raised which is now up to £12,000.00 and mum and I added another £100 which we won the Saturday before at another event we went to. I can't thank you all enough for what you have all done. I know we wont find a cure for cancer overnight and I know it wont help to save hundreds of lives but it will help to make time on that ward easier. With any residue we have decided to spend it on some new pictures which I wasn't too happy about to start with but the ward manager is going to have the whole ward updated so it may be nice to have a couple of fresh pictures to brighten the place up. I did specify no trains. Vic nearly went insane having to look at the same picture of a steam train for about 10 days.

It seems strange 6 months has nearly gone. The leaves on Vic's beloved tree in our garden have turned the most beautiful shades of red, gold and brown. I think it's more lovely than last year. He loved this time of year even though he hated red and found it the most unlucky colour for him (not only arsenal but the mustang in Hawaii and I still have his never red t-shirt.

Last October was the last real fun we had. He insisted on a huge Halloween party and put every ounce of effort he had into it. He had an absolute ball and it has been an memory that has kept me going. I won't ever forget him dressed as Edward Scissorhands and trying to put white face paint all over his beard! I never knew that would be our last Halloween or the last time he got hopelessly drunk or the last time he would tell Lindsay how gorgeous she looked head to foot in green including her pointed ears. However, its a precious memory so much so I will be out of town that weekend with some of the people who have helped drag me through this personal hell.

Thanks again to all involved in raising money in Vic's memory and if you are planning something for Halloween enjoy it and think of Vic, he loved dressing up and making a fool of himself and just think he didn't know he wouldn't be here to do it again this year!

Vic Dashwood Memorial Golf Day 18th Sept 2008

I just wanted to put a post on Vic's blog to thank all of those who supported Vic's golf day this week. I spoke to Jim who said he still looks at this blog every now and again and it made me think I should just write a few words.

It was a lovely sunny day (so rare at this time of the year)! A true Vic day as me and my family are begining to call them. There were 100 golfers and loads of extra support too. I didn't have to do a thing to help organise it was all done so well by Bob and Jo at Bradnams. Jo though of everything even down to the name tags for all the helpers.

Unfortunately no-one won a hole in one prize, which were all amazing prizes, but due to all the generous gifts of bottles, golf parafanalia and even a voucher for figleaves.com nearly everyone went home with something. There was a huge raffle and a prize giving at the end. The total up to the evening was in the region of £11,000 which is just so overwhelming.

Vic never would have believed he could have been in the centre of something that raised so much money to help others but he would have been so happy that he helped in some way. I can't thank eveyone enough for any part they played that day.

Personally life is still very hard but I try to keep positive. Not a moment in a day goes by when I don't think about him, I miss him all the time and I know I'm not alone in that. It's just so hard when the person who you loved and who loved you in return as much as we did goes it leaves a huge hole. Sadly though life has to go on, you can't stop it and Vic would never have wanted people to be sad he was far too loving and generous for that and he hated tears. However, that was easy for him to say!

Anyway, thanks again to all of you, especially Bob, Jo and all at Bradnams.

Its been a while

I didn't think I would ever place another entry on Vic's blog but just incase anyone still looks at this from time to time I wanted you to know that I went to Addenbrookes Hospital this morning and presented ward D9 with a cheque for £3805.76. It was really hard to go on the ward and lots of tears later we had a photograph taken which I will attach to this asap.

It was so good to see the nurses who had helped Vic so much but revisiting the site of so much pain and misery was awful. I looked in the last room Vic had stayed in and the empty bed made me flash back to Vic perhaps still alive but in the toilet or the shower and due back any moment then I saw an older man sat in front of the window in the chair then i remembered Vic was gone.

I still find it so hard to believe I will never see him again although I see him in my minds eye all the time. Reading all the letters that came with the donations it seems so many other people feel the same. Even being back at work has only help compound the fact that I could, for just a minute, think that Vic was just at work a normal day in our lives him there me here just not able to see each other. On the other hand is that all death is....just not able to see each other!

I dropped into to Bradnams on the way back from the hospital and saw all the familiar faces but still no Vic!

Life has changed immeasurably but is still the mundane dirge of getting up going to work having tea and going to bed it seems even the bereaved are not spared the mundane monotony of this life. It amazes me how your own grief is so insignificant in the grand scale of things and other peoples lives. Life really does go on from the minute Vic drew his last to this minute as I write. I still say I am so very lucky though. I was married to a wonderful man who enriched my life just by being himself in it. Thats not rose tinted glasses thats the truth and for that I am truly grateful I have known just how brilliant life can be its just such a pity your arse has to hit the dirt running again.

Thank you to all who donated, if you are planning to join in the golf day that Bradnams are holding thank you for that too. Vic would have been blown away by how much generosity has been shown through this hideous ordeal. You have all been wonderful.

Susan

Saturday 10th May

Every morning when I wake,

Dear Lord,a little prayer I make,

O please to keep Thy lovely eye

On all poor creatures born to die

And every evening at sundown

I ask a blessing on the town,

For whether we last the night or no

I'm sure is always touch-and-go.

We are not wholly bad or good

Who live our lives under Milk Wood,

And Thou, I know, wilt be the first

To see our best side, not our worst.

O let us see another day!

Bless us all this night, I pray,

And to the sun we all will bow

And say, good-bye--but just for now!

I just wanted to thank all of you for coming to Vic's funeral and to all those unable to attend but sending their best wishes.

A lot of people said, if it is the right thing to say about a funeral, what a lovely day it was and I think I have to agree. It was everything that Vic had asked for including the hearse and four horses.

Although it was very hard to help arrange and conduct my own husbands funeral (obviously Andrew did most of the arranging) I have to say it was easier than I had expected and it felt like an honour to do it.

Today has felt very strange, I feel better now the funeral is over and I don't have to worry about it but at the same time like it was a long time ago and any time now he will come back from the trip is away on and come home.

My sister and Rod, Vic's brother, have both gone back to their respective countries and Auntie Claire is back again to help out with all the new jobs put in front of me. All the household stuff that has to have Vic's name taken off of and all the legal stuff to deal with. Maybe after that it will hit home that he's not coming back.

I realise, even though working in this field and dealing with it every day, death is a strange thing. What is death? Is it the point when you draw your last breath or is it the point you realise they are dead? Or is it just a word and the rest is all feelings? I wish I had the answer but I can see why I have found bereaved people so interesting to work with because the bereaved could all individually answer the question with a million different points of view.

I hope you will all remember Vic with a smile and I hope you have all taken something away with you from Vic's story. If all he has taught you is to live for today don't put off that little things you felt you should have done. If you keeping meaning to visit a relative or friend do it, if you have a burning desire to go to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower, go and do it or if you can't tell someone you love them because its not your thing or you are too embarrassed just think how that person would feel if you never got to tell them and your time came. Would they know you did or would they be left wondering? Never go to sleep on an argument, argue if necessary but make friends after or if it's impossible to make friends after, are they actually your friend after all?

The little things in life are the most important, a note left on the kitchen table just to say hello or tell someone they have a perfect face are priceless. Wild flowers picked from the side of the road are as beautiful as the local florist's most expensive arrangement. A picnic is often far more romantic than a four course meal at the Ritz (not that I've eaten there of course) and one of Vic's more disappointing purchases was a Harrod's hamper! Money doesn't buy you happiness!

I'm not sure that I will be making anymore entries on this blog but I do thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading our story, for taking time to make those all important comments, for all the cards, letter, visits, help in all it's different forms. For all the offers of limousines, hearses, Bearers, etc, etc and for all the donations already received for D9 endowment fund.

It has been a bloody hard and at times painful in all senses of the word, journey for Vic and myself and all our family and friends but Vic's pain is over and even though ours is just beginning he said himself he did not want us to live in the past that is done. He wanted all of us to move on and be happy that we knew him and remember all those fun times we had with him.

Thank you.

Funeral Service Details

This entry is just to let you know the details for Vic's funeral.

It will be held at Ss Peter and Paul's Church, Eye, Suffolk on Saturday 10th May at 12.00 noon. Vic wanted a traditional funeral so please feel free to wear black, but you know Vic if you want to wear bright red thats fine too! Please let me know if you want any directions. You can use Vic's e mail address attached to this blog.

We are asking for family flowers only please but donations if wished for D9 endowment fund. This will be used for equipment for ward D9 at Addenbrookes Hospital which can be sent to Susan Whymark Funeral Service, The Old Stables, Chestnut Farm, Langton Green, Eye, Suffolk, IP23 7HL.

Thanks for all your lovely comments, texts, hundreds of flowers, offers of help and lovely cards sorry I haven't been able to thank you all and reply but I'm sure you can understand. I would also like to say thanks for all the kind offers of limousines, bearers and help with the funeral arrangements its all been so overwhelming but just goes to show what a well liked and respected guy Vic was.

I miss him terribly already it just doesn't seem possible he's gone even though he was so ill. There is a huge hole in this house that will never be filled.

29th May 1964 - 29th April 2008

I was never looking forward to writing this entry but here it is. I'm so sorry to tell you all that today we all lost a very precious person and I lost my best friend, my husband and my soul mate.

It was very hard at the end. He was determined not to go and he would not go without a huge struggle. He battled with everything he had but it was all too much. He is at peace now he doesn't have to struggle anymore. He won't have to go through all that treatment, ups, downs, travelling, pain, pain on a scale we can hopefully never imagine. I feel pleased for him that its all over, there was no way he could have gone on any longer with all the things that were wrong.

He had a constant stream of visitors and cards and well wishes and hopes and he was so surprised how nice everyone was to him. He never realised how liked and respected he was. His sisters had been with him for hours but I think he wanted to upset the minimal amount of people and went with just us here.

We did everything we possibly could on every level. He wouldn't of been able to die in the peace of his own home had mum not been here and having found out the hospital sent him home with only 3 or 4 days left it makes you realise how happy he was when he made 2 and a half weeks.

He truly was a unique individual and the world is a sadder place now he is not in it but it has been a very happy and blessed place to have had him here at all.

Thank you for all you have put on Vic's blog he loved reading it and what lovely things you all put. We are so lucky to have so many caring friends.

The blossoms have gone

Well it seems Vic and his blossom tree have more of a link than I thought. The blossoms on the tree have faded and now it is covered in new green leaves. In the last couple of days Vic has also started to fade. He was obviously starting to become anaemic which is something that has happened in the past but it became clear it was something different this time. It seems Vic has suffered some changes internally that have meant his syringe driver is now on a very high dose to keep him pain free and he is now peaceful.

The good thing is Vic got to go into his beloved Summerhouse on Friday as you can see and enjoyed every moment of it he even liked how it smelled. He loved the view from the windows he could see how green everything was. It was as perfect as he had imagined. Even the fresh air on his face was so lovely to him.

In the last few days he has said how happy he is and if he died tomorrow he would be a happy man. His life may of had its ups and downs over the last few years but he is at peace with himself at last.

The decline since yesterday has been very rapid but among other things he said he would fight this and he is although I think as I write he knows he is safe and comfortable and the fight is for his sake and not ours. I'm just so glad he got to come home to his Sanctuary to see the garden, have friends over, enjoy lots of good food and to laugh. This last few weeks have been so incredibly precious and ones I would not change the way they were lived for the world. Being lucky is not about winning the lottery or finding a fiver on the pavement its about being happy in yourself and being lucky enough to have people who really want to help and genuinely care for you when you can't help yourself and from that point of view both Vic and I truly have been blessed.

I know he would want to thank you all for reading today, for all the love, support, cards and expressions of kindness shown to us in so many ways and for the extremely large box of chocolates received yesterday morning which he did sincerely enjoy some of and as you can see from the picture you wouldn't have know the next 24hours would see so much change.

Obviously the next entry will follow all too soon but please bear in mind his blossom tree and if there is somewhere else I pray he will have his new green leaves

With friends like Rod who needs enemas

It's been a long day today. Vic has spent most of the day asleep. The day started very early as Vic was in a great deal of discomfort. After mum had woken him up to change his syringe driver at 2.30 am it appeared his catheter had blocked. We tried to sort it out but at 6.00 am it seemed we had to call the on call Dr. Unfortunately the Dr decided replacing a catheter was not a job for her and we should take him to A & E! To cut a long story short a district nurse finally came out to see him at 10.00 am and helped him out. It's very distressing to watch someone unable to have a wee! They get more and more restless and full up. Unfortunately mum had to give him a lot of extra pain relief which is why he spent most of the day asleep.

Thank God Auntie Claire came back to help us today which fills the gap of Rod and Moe leaving us today. Poor Rod had to leave his poorly little brother not knowing if he was feeling more comfortable or not. Fortunately he was able to call from the airport and find out he was much more comfy.

The title of the blog was thought up by Rod and I. During his stay Rod has had moments of absent mindedness like putting his chair leg on Vic's oxygen tube, putting his knee against the electric control for Vic's bed making him sit up or lay down involuntarily or helping Vic with his dinner by loading the fork up with chokingly large amounts to which my mother said "with friends like you who needs enemies" which hastily got changed to the title above as obviously Vic has had a little help in that department lately at times with regular hilarity all round (including from Vic).

Sadly though the day has been exhausting for Vic. He's been very sad today for various reasons and as I write he is fidgeting to get comfortable and his bottom is numb. Once we find the right position he can usually go off to sleep but tonight he can't.......

.......The blog had to be left last night as Vic was so restless it took all three of us to get him finally comfortable. He had another dreadful night and woke us twice in pain. Mum zonked him out at 4.50 am and he got off to sleep until we got up at 8.00am. Therefore today his syringe drivers were increased with more pain relief. Which means he sleeps more with the increased sedation and because he is more comfortable feels more sleepy too. Pain is very tiring.

At present he is laying very still with his oxygen in place peacefully sleeping, full of a nice dinner and a piece of Heidi's treacle tart. Such a shame we have to move him in a few minutes to give his his last lot of pain killers and turn him over. Having said that he's just woken up on one of his la la land trips and asked about the large picture of a blonde actress called Barbara (or even Marilyn Monroe we later realise) that we had hung in front of him over his bed (no wonder they use one of the drugs Vic is on ((Midazolam)) to remove wisdom teeth under sedation). God bless him.

I hope this isn't too boring reading, the days aren't terribly exciting, very full, but not exciting. Thank goodness we have lots of visitors to interject a bit of distraction.

I'd also like to advise you that the format of leaving comments has been changed. You will need to register as a regular user or if you want to remain anonymous your comment will be vetted for suitability before being shown on the blog I hope you can appreciate our reasons for this.

Tired

It's the ghost writer today but it seems people are getting desperate to know whats going on here so I thought I was better than nothing at all.

Well things here are pretty much the same. Rod's wife Moe flew in from Oregon on Tuesday so there's lots of Dashwoods in the house which has been lovely. Unfortunately Rod and Moe fly back on Tuesday and we will miss them. My Auntie Claire went home for the weekend and we miss her too but she's coming back next week to help us.

Vic's eldest brother Mick and his wife Herta and their daughter Alice came to see Vic today. It was good to see the three brothers all together again sharing stories of their memories from their childhood. They are coming back tomorrow and Vic's sister Rosemarie and other sister Diana are also coming too so they will all be back together again in one (very small) house.

Vic is all settled down for the evening and Rod and Moe went up at 9.30pm, mum is now going up too and I won't be long either. We are all bloody knackered. My mum has to get up at 2.30am to change one of Vic's syringe drivers, the other one lasts for 24 hours and the district nurse changes that one. His pain seems to be quite well controlled at the moment and he doesn't have too many points where he rambles and talks bollocks but how long that will last I don't know. Otherwise he sleeps a lot, we all laugh quite a lot, he still says how lucky he is and he still says thank you and apologises profusely for all the work he causes.

He is confined to bed all the time except for one venture onto the commode but that didn't last long as his back started to hurt. Mum and I turn him onto his side and back onto his back a few times during the day. His appetite is still good but we have to fit meals around naps so sometimes his dinner is microwaved a couple of times before he actually eats it. He still drinks lots of tea and never turns down chocolate, but as his sister-in-law cleverly reminded us Chocolate can help produce endorphins and we all know how good they are.

Ledley gets a long walk everyday thanks to Rod and Moe who are enjoying the lovely countryside around us. He's been a really good boy lately thanks to them.

The days seem to fly by it's a bit like being on holiday when you don't know what day it is and there is no real schedule for the day. Usually we get up around 7.00am to give Vic his tablets then we have a cup of tea and try get Vic comfy. By around 10.00 it's time to give Vic a wash and dress him then he's usually exhausted and ready for a sleep. Then we clear the house up, fill the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and tumble dryer and clean the kitchen floor after Ledley has bought half the garden in with him. After all that its lunch time and Vic's awake again. After a bit of DIY or some other task that's appeared (today I fitted a new loo seat and fixed the flush handle on the cistern) it's time for tea after that it's time to settle Vic down again then we are back to square one, however I used to go to work as well I'll never know.

Other than this not a lot has happened. As usual we want to thank everyone for all their help whether that's in the form of food, the daily newspaper, bread and milk, a shoulder to cry on, company, a laugh, massage, a listening ear, helping to run my business, however large or small it all helps us and we are all very grateful. Thank you. Keep sending the messages.

Back home again

I came home on Thursday afternoon in an ambulance with two lovely ladies who made it a nice comfortable ride. My hospital bed was waiting for me all set up in our living room in front of the window where I can see the flowering cherry and the summerhouse. It's really pretty that tree. My brother Rod had flown in from Japan during the week and he followed us home and helped settle me in along with my mother-in-law and my auntie Claire who has come over from Kent to help care for me.

It's nice to be home out of hospital back into your own home, even though the drugs make me unable to recognise it at times. I feel tired, that's all I ever seem to say.

It's taken 2 days to write those two paragraphs. Its getting harder for him to concentrate on the job at hand and he spends a lot of the time confused about where he is and whats happening to his body.

Vic is unable to walk, stand or even sit in a wheelchair so sadly he hasn't been able to go into his beloved Summer house which seems so cruel. What also seems cruel is he sometimes doesn't even know it's his. All this confusion is bought about by the sheer volume of pain killers and sedatives he is having to take for the pain. When cancer spreads to your bones it is incredibly painful, pain that we just can't measure and pain we would all gladly bear for him if we could.

All the time his pain increases the pain killers go up the sedation goes up the level of clarity decreases. It's so sad to see such an amazing human being slowly robbed of basic faculties and function. Sometimes he gets sad about it and cries other times he's happily oblivious to it all.

Its been very special being able to have him home, free from other patients, nurses coming in and out and very horrible food. The good thing is Vic knows he likes food so we are able to keep some meat on his bones even though his legs are wasting at a shocking rate due to the lack of movement.

The thing that amazes me about Vic, although I don't know why I'm amazed because it's typical of Vic, he says thank you about 1000 times a day and I'm so lucky. I feel we are both lucky to have my mother here who has been brilliant, which is a word that no-where near covers it, if it wasn't for her and I really mean if it wasn't for her Vic would have spent the rest of his life in either the Hospital or the Hospice. We have scared the district nurses half to death with the level dosages of drugs being put into his syringe driver and our GP who is sitting with Vic as I write is obviously very lost for words. Our rural location means we can't have the hospice at home and makes it difficult to have the nursing care needed to help someone as sick and in pain as Vic is. So therefore if my mother wasn't on hand 24 hours a day (she moved in with us) it just wouldn't be possible.

Vic knows he loves his home, he loves the view from the window, the birds go back and forth to the nuts hanging in the blossom tree and he takes it all in. Most of the time he's quite content to be lucky to be alive otherwise he has a few minutes of self pity and anger over what has happened.

For the 5th time today mum is just reminding Vic he can't get out of bed. He has lapses of memory and tries to get out of bed and walk to the toilet he now has a 24 hour armed guard!

I know Vic would want to say thanks to my mum and especially my auntie Claire who has also moved down to stay and look after Vic. He is washed, bed changed, clothes changed, clothes washed, fed, stroked, talked to, encouraged, petted, kissed, hugged. Without all these kind people I don't know what we would have done. In Vic's words we are so lucky.

Thanks for all the lovely messages left on the previous entry, they are lovely and make him feel so loved and cared for and also thanks to all those who have been able to drop in and visit.

Since finishing the radiotherapy and having the pain management put in place by the Hospice, though still feeling very tender I still had very positive thoughts. I was still struggling to sleep well and taking copious amounts of medicines but I really felt I was getting somewhere. All I had to do was wait 2 to 3 weeks to go and be re-assessed by the specialists. Spring was now here and although the unexpected snow was a suprise to me it just showed our beautiful house in more of its natural beauty. During the day I could usually manage but 3 weeks after discharge from D9 I did find myself struggling which ended on Wednesday evening when I was brought back to D9 again in the most severe pain so far.

Thursday I hardly remember, the only thing they could do to block the pain was to partially sedate me all together this was the only respite I could get. The TENS machine, which was working, would not reach the pain levels and I was having to have more and more pain control basically anything I could get my hands on that was legally supplied by the hospital. I had a scan and an x ray which showed the radiotherapy has had no effect at all and the tumour is getting larger and that a secondary growth on my spine has caused a fracture, the reason for the severe pain. This throws up the predicament that if chemo and radiotherapy have no effect at all after discussions with Susan we both feel its better to have quality of life than quantity.

So in light of this Addenbrookes hospital have been exceptional and they have agreed to get all the equipment to my house that I will need to be looked after with there because though i am not going to stop fighting, I would rather do it from the comfort of my own house and I don't particularly want to die in hospital. With all the wonderful support from Susan, her mum, her uncle Ian and auntie Claire, Andrew Bingham, my best man, and numerous other people, and I hope you know who you all are, too many to mention, I feel I will be well looked after.

I'd like to be able to spend the last few months, weeks or whatever, re-building the bond and the love between me and my lovely kids. All my family have been exceptional, sometimes I feel they get neglected off the blog, not because I have taken them for granted, but they have always been there and phone me regularly and send me e mails and if one good thing has come from all this, I have regained my family who I hope realise now that lifes too short to harbour grudges or take things in a negative vein, I always loved all my family but other things always seemed to get in the way, maybe through mixed loyaltees but the most important things is what is happening right now and it is important to stay close and love each other as brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, nieces and nephews and at least try and see everybody as regularly as humanly possible.
Rest assured 43 years haven't been wasted and it's important that everybody, if possible, keeps in touch including all the grandchildren beacuse we all need somebody in our darkest moments.

For now though my next battle is getting home, seeing my Summerhouse and spending some quality time at home. I'll let you know how it goes but for now God bless you all.

Relieved

13 sessions of radiotherapy finished today much to my pure delight. I've got all the normal side effects i.e. indigestion, hiccups, heartburn, lethargy and large red blotches on my chest. It has been quite an ordeal to get through.

Nothing is easy when you have cancer it saps all the strength from your body and without the expertise of another group of wonderful people who know how to put you at ease, I seriously don't know how people get through it. Every morning I said to Susan I really didn't think I could go through it again but with her encouragement to get me there and the radiographers ability to build you up enough to make you get on to that steel table I managed it.

Each day that went past I found myself in a lot more pain from my back and other areas. The radiotherapy weakens your muscles and along with it any damage to muscles from previous injury. I was particularly suffering with an old back injury. I went to see a consultant in pain control at St. Nicholas Hospice yesterday who was brilliant. She prescribed a TENS machine which is often used for pregnant women........

Sorry we have a delay the narrator has fallen asleep. Oh no he's awake again!

.......It sends an electric pulse through your muscle and creates a nerve block so your brain cannot receive a message that you are in pain. Therefore although I can't say the pain has disappeared it is so much better.

My blue disabled parking badge arrived this week too and my wheelchair should be delivered next week. So hopefully I will be all set to enjoy things a little more than I have just lately.

I have come to a point now in the therapy where I hope to see some sort of change in the tumour. It wont be for another 3 or 4 weeks that Dr. Gillingan who is my consultant and all his colleagues will be able to see if there is a better outlook on the tumour or chemotherapy may have to be reconsidered. Obviously I hope the radiotherapy will have had the desired effect but still looking at the young kids and all the different age groups in that clinic...........

Sorry the narrator is now struggling to get his very heavy cardigan off!! Oh he's back! No he's not he's got hiccups now this is the longest entry I've ever had to type. Back again. No his back is hurting again and now he's not comfortable hold on. Here he is.

..... just give you a morale boost along with the caring staff it makes you realise you must never give up.

It's been 4 months and the further I get through it the more confident I get that I can shake this. I see lots of people come out of the wards so much better than when I've seen them arrive it gives you hope and good luck to all of them I hope they can go on to live long and happy lives.

He's very tired now will let you know how he gets on soon!

Radiotherapy 2 weeks on

Strange thing radiotherapy, never really knew what to expect but the overwhelming effect is just pure exhaustion. I don't know if it's co-incidence but my back pain is just unbearable. All I have done is sleep until the pain becomes too much, if I am awake, being a bit of a wimp of a man, it generally means that Susan is awake with me. Poor Susan has to do everything she really is very good to me. The quantity of drugs I am consuming is quite incredible. Everything is antagonised by laying on the steel bed of the radiotherapy table and then trying to get off after such a short period of treatment. It takes 3 nurses to lift me they really are very good, I know I keep stressing that point. I have only got another 3 sessions of radiotherapy before I am re-assessed to see if there has been any benefit.

The weekend so far has been lovely because Susan had arranged for her uncle Ian, auntie Claire and her cousins and their girlfriends to come over and lay a concrete base for our summer house to go on. The Summer house was what we bought with the money we were given for our wedding so to all who contributed thank you. When the Summer house is erected it is going to be a good opportunity to have our friends to stay which is something we would both like very much.

With all the things that Susan has to do, she still she tries to make my life as happy and as comfortable as she possibly can. There is so much going on in her life but she still remembers all the things just to make me that much happier.

This morning was lovely to wake up with a covering of snow. We are very fortunate, as I have said in the past, to live where we live. It is lovely to live with someone who appreciates the same things as I do. The garden looks wonderful.

I am going to have to go now as I have been awake all of an hour and I just cannot do anymore. Sorry if these entries are not flowing very well but nor does my brain.

My Blog

I created this blog for all those people who were interested in me and my day to day trials with my illness. I wanted it to be a place I could offload my thoughts and emotions rather like a journal. I have always kept it to my current personal situation except for one comment. I didn't expect many people would actually be interested in this blog but the responses have been overwhelming in their love and support and so helpful during this difficult time for which I thank you all. I also realise how much it has helped others who want to keep in touch but don't want to impose by having to call, text or email which Susan and I find so little time to respond to. It isn't the correct forum for conflict based on a separate issue to my illness so please can it just be used for what it was originally intended. I am too tired and too sick to be able to cope with such negativity. I hope you can all understand my feelings and I would appreciate your personal aspects to other issues be kept away from this setting.

Unfortunately, today has been really hard again, I have been in an incredible amount of pain which is difficult to control at the moment. The radiotherapy makes me so, so tired I can't explain it. I find it hard to walk more than a few steps due to the sheer exhaustion. I wish I could just have a little more energy to get through it. I struggled to get on and off the radiotherapy table again and had to be lifted up by a male nurse. It just gets harder and harder. Having seen the Dr in the clinic and prescribed more pain killers we made our way home. Lets see what happens tomorrow.

A Big Thank You

I feel I have got a lot of thank yous to do so I thought I would use today's entry to do this.

I spend a lot of time, not feeling sorry for myself, but wrapped up in my own little world which I hope most of you will understand. Today has been a day when I realise people really do care and how much people do for me.

My radiotherapy today was followed up by a consultation with a specialist it was just to ask I felt the treatment was going and to see if there were any problems I may be having. Whilst waiting with the many other cancer sufferers in the clinic, my usual consultant, Dr Haba, rushed through the corridor obviously on his way elsewhere, but he stopped when he saw me and took the time to sit down with me and ask me how I was. He wasn't just passing the niceties of the day he was genuinely concerned with the week I had had and how I was now feeling. He made me feel like he was really my friend not just one of the many patients on his list.

Also today I saw one of the nurses from D9. She is leaving unfortunately and when I left the ward on Tuesday she wasn't around to say goodbye to. She wasn't in uniform and just happened to be in the coffee shop where we were having a cup of tea after the treatment. She called out to me and gave me a huge hug and told me how sad she had been that she didn't get to say goodbye and thought she would never see me again. I felt relieved that I got to say goodbye to her and wished her the best of luck. She is a bloody good nurse.

Through the course of today I have had dealing with my solicitor, over other matters, who also has a genuine concern for me and the predicament I find myself in. She is always empathetic and kind.

All these professionals who would in any other case be just that, professional, but due to what is happening to me they have all gone one step further and me feel that I matter.

Then there are the other people in my life who were there before I was ill but have made it known how much they care and want me to get better. Permanently looking at ways to cheer me up and help me get better.

Today I started the day with a phone call from my sister Diana asking how we were and sending her good wishes, then my mother in law Dianne with her usual good luck call, which was sadly cut short due to the fact we were late leaving (sorry) then on the way to the hospital we spoke to Joan who works for Susan who ended the conversation with her good wishes, as always, and tears because we thanked her for holding Susan's business together (along with all the other members of staff) then when we got to the hospital, Lindsay gave her daily check in call, again cut short as we were trying to park. After that came the several calls with Andrew, also holding Susan's business together. Then a visit from Dianne with more help.

This is just today this is without the food parcels, daffodils and countless cups of tea from our neighbours John and Jane, countless phone calls from other friends, colleagues and family, e mails from my brothers, and all the messages on the blog.

Today ended on a high when my best mate, Andrew Bingham, pulled another surprise out of the bag, he's gone to all the trouble of getting the Tottenham Hotspur players to sign a shirt for me which he bought round for me tonight. I can't put into words how I appreciate all of the hard work Andrew and his lovely family have put in for me. His friendship is very valued he is somebody I can really rely on through good times and bad. Thank you Andrew.

Last but not least Susan, from the first part of waking up in the morning right through the day, which sometimes can be very long and arduous, always supports me and encourages me and just shows me so much love. I'm so lucky to have her in my life, she is a very wonderful human being. I love you always.

This may sound very corny to other people but the idea of the blog is to let people know how I am physically and mentally and I hope that people can appreciate sometimes I just want to thank people because the rest of the time I'm just a moody arse.

She's trying to kill me!

I'm back! Today I realise I have a traitor in the camp! My wife is trying to kill me! Help!

What I actually mean is we discovered why I had such a crap day yesterday. My darling wife, so eager to get my morning medication down my throat, misread the box of Oxycontin (my new new expensive best friend) and what the correct dosage should be. I therefore missed a dose of 10mg of my most important pain relief making me suffer the whole day through.

We only discovered this morning, whilst screaming with pain, and just about to call D9 to discuss what we were doing wrong. She acted so surprised she thinks she just had a blonde moment I think she wants rid of me. So today I have something amusing to write, we knew I would have.

I had my 4th shot of radiotherapy today. Although only short bursts I could barely get off the machine I felt like I'd been welded to it. 3 nurses had to peel me from the rubber matting while I screamed in pain. It seems all women want to see me screaming at the moment. The nurses cheerily waved and said "see you tomorrow". I then had to track down a nurse I could trust to give me some Oxynorm (liquid form of my new new best friend). 10ml later I had my wits about me again. I wonder if I have any friends?

We had a pleasant journey home to our Sanctuary, things seem to be fairly normal in our lives today. I love going home it's the one place I feel at ease and can enjoy the silence after 10 days in a manic hospital ward. You can't believe how incredibly calming silence and peace is to the soul. Theres no better place than home with people who care and just make you feel human again. Only the bath is still scary! It makes me feel like I'm going to drown every time I get in it. This might sound irrational but I've lost so much body muscle I can't seem to pull myself above the water line. I should start some training of some sort to build up some muscle (any ideas Wendy Grogan! (the other one would let me drown)).

Since I have been home going to bed has had an added excitement the purchase of a memory foam mattress. Deep Joy! I climb into bed and get moulded into 3 inches of pure decadence. It's like trying to turn over in mud but every bone in my body has a place to go and although my puny little legs don't make any indentation my large bulbous belly certainly does.

I've just read this back Isn't it amazing what 1 x 10mg tablet of Oxycontin can do to make you feel better (Susan)

Home Again

Still the ghost writer I'm afraid. Vic was released from Hospital yesterday late afternoon. He was very happy to leave but its hard to go back home with the worry you may pick up another infection. We have learnt to take his temperature 3 times a day just to keep check (Vic doesn't show signs of a temperature for some reason)! He did have a nice tea when he got home which seemed to cheer him up and he was really pleased to go to bed and had a fairly comfortable night.

Today has been another hard day. Vic has been in a lot of pain lately and it really drains him so he just doesn't have the energy to even tell me what he wants to put on here.

It's 9.00 pm and he just went to bed, he has had a fairly okay day. I took him to have his 3rd lot of radiotherapy today which he seems to be coping okay with. He's just been through so much its as much as he can do to get out of bed, have a shower, get in the car to go to Addenbrookes, come back again and have something for tea. It's so sad to see him so debilitated we just pray he can keep it all going.

He is finding it so hard lately, he has moments when he is okay but then he just gets so tired he can't keep it all together. I just wish we could have some good news to keep us both going and give us that little glimmer we need.

The comments you all put on here do help. I know we keep saying that but it does. I know you all want to help us but the awful thing is there isn't a great deal any of us can do. Just be there for us and we really do know where you are.

I wish we had something funny to put on here but it really isn't funny at the moment. Sorry today's entry sounds so bleak but the whole idea of the blog is to keep you up to date and to date life is a bit crap.

Thanks to you all again for messages, practical help, and the prayers and thoughts you have sent. I feel awful I can't speak to all of you in person and I feel awful about not replying to text's phone calls and cards but I'm sure you understand this is so hard. Hopefully our next entry will bring something fun or positive.

F**k this is hard

Ghost writer again today. As you can imagine from the title today it is really starting to get very very hard. After the initial euphoria of realising he hadn't actually died the adrenaline stopped and Vic came down with a bang.

The last two days have been the hardest so far both mentally and physically. Vic is extremely down and so incredibly tired I just can't put it into words. Since his kidneys failed and joined back in again he has been going to the toilet every 20 minutes or so, day and night, so as you can imagine he has had no quality sleep for a week. Fortunately the output has slowed down today and he has had a little more rest but he is grumpy, tired, fed up and sad. He is far too sick and tired to even tell me what he wants to say today which is often how we do this. I'm sitting beside him in hospital writing this but there is no input from him into it today.

Reading the comments has had us both in tears, hearing from all those people that Vic used to talk about over tea at night after he'd visited them during the day. It is heartbreaking how quickly our lives have changed. Its good to know how many people are thinking of him though.

He's going to miss the SAIF weekend so much, except for paying for the Indian!!, missing out on things like that is one of the things that upsets him. If anyone reading this is going could you perhaps pass on to everyone our sincere thanks to all those who have sent their wishes to Vic, it really does help, perhaps you could also pass on to such a captive audience, the importance of blood donation for use in cancer treatments. In this 3 bedded ward alone 6 pints of blood have been used in 5 days. That's without what has been used in the chemo unit and the other beds on this ward, A & E, and during operations.

Hopefully the next entry on this blog will tell you he's feeling much better and maybe due to come home. They hope to start the Radiotherapy on Monday so lets hope they do and we start to see some results.

Me and my new best friend

Here we are again back on good old D9. I now have a new best friend (sod Oramorph) my catheter. I'm drinking and weeing to my hearts content. At least certain things are acceptable when you are ill. I just hope I can re-train my brain for when I return home and don't start weeing in bed there!!

I came back to D9 on Friday evening. Having had a pain under my shoulder blade feeling like I had been shot. I crawled to the GP on Friday afternoon and he referred me as an emergency to EMU at West Suffolk. Having dwelled on that decision for at least 30 seconds Susan drove me towards Addenbrookes calling them on the way to book my usual bed! They were happy to have me back and I settled in straight away.

Whilst sitting here with my feet up on Saturday, while 4 of my best friends and Susan worked like trojans to put up Ledley's new run in the garden, I developed a bit of a temperature. Actually a very large temperature caused by sepsis. ((Sepsis is a life-threatening illness. Your body's response to a bacterial infection usually causes it. Your immune system goes into overdrive, overwhelming normal processes in your blood. The result is that small blood clots form, blocking blood flow to vital organs. This can lead to organ failure. Babies, old people and those with weakened immune systems are most likely to get sepsis. But even healthy people can become deathly ill from it. A quick diagnosis can be crucial, because one third of people who get sepsis die from it) (quoted from a website obviously not my words))

It was touch a go for a while there but thankfully due to an amazing Doctor who stayed with me all night and all the wonderful nursing staff on D9 I am here to tell the tale. My kidneys have been a little compromised but they seem to be working again now, my liver is now having some attention due to the massive input then output of fluids given to me. The michelin man has nothing on me!

Anyway, I managed to have a shower today with Susan's help, changed my clothes, changed the bed and I feel like a new man again. That and 3 pints of blood! Still having the fluid but feel so much better.

My children came to see me last night which was just amazing. It was so lovely to see them and the best tonic out of all the drugs I could have. I miss them so much even more so now I am not well.

Unfortunately, yesterday saw the loss of a friend of ours to cancer. She was only 18 and was diagnosed last Summer. On the day of our wedding we heard she had been given the all clear but sadly it was not to last and after a terrific fight she lost the battle and passed away. It makes me so sad to hear she has gone she had a lot of life to live it saddens me very much. I only met her on a couple of occasions but she impressed me with her strong will. Lets hope she is in a better place she will be sadly missed.

I would like to thank all of you for your wishes and anyone who didn't know I was in here again sorry but thats why we write the blog. Susan doesn't get time to call you all and I am just too tired. I would like to say a huge thank you to Del, Andrew, Simon and John for their time and effort with the dog run which I think looks wonderful (from the photo) and will make our lives so much easier. Ledley apparently likes it as long as his football is in there!

So for now I am going to sign off til next time. We will be posting the updates as they come. Oh and by the way the Radiotherapy has been cancelled for today but hopefully may start tomorrow. To all of you who have offered lifts thanks, if we haven't cancelled you yet sorry you were overlooked but as you can see its been hectic lately! Susan will let you know if we need lifts for the remainder of the treatment.

We beat the scum 2-1

What a day! From start to finish it has been an absolutely perfect day to be a Spurs supporter. I woke up this morning feeling like a 12 year old. The first thing I though about was going to Wembley and as sad as it might sound, I had nervous butterflies in my stomach. Although I tell myself it's only a game of course its far more than that!!!

9 years of living in the shadows of our London rivals but I had a good feeling about today. Bob came and picked me up at 10.00 am and to my pure delight he had bought me the latest cup final shirt which I hurriedly tore from the bag and wore with pride. God I felt good. Although I still felt tired from my illness, adrenalin and exhilaration an a canister of oxygen, helped sweep me along on a tide of emotion.

We left home at just after 10.00 I kissed Susan goodbye and she was so happy for me and she wished me the best of luck with slight concern in her face of how I was going to manage the day. Bob and I drove to Haverhill to pick up Rosemarie and John who were kind enough to drop us at the entrance to Wembley stadium so we didn't have to worry about parking. I'm glad to say from the age of 5 I have supported my beloved Spurs and it still makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up watching my idols and the whole atmosphere of Football. The seats were incredible, the view was incrediable, my feelings were incredible. It took a lot for Bob to sit with me among the Spurs fans, being an ardent Chelsea fan.

Wembley stadium is awesome, the organisation of the place is something to be proud of it made life very easy and I took my place in my wheelchair. Lets face it I would have sat on a bed pan if necessary to watch the cup final but the wheelchair was far more comfortable. A thrilling 90 minute game went into extra time and I have to admit being a bias Spurs supporter I think we honestly deserved to win the game. The old insecurities of watching Spurs were starting to haunt me thinking the times we deserved to win games but had given them away. When Jonathan Woodgate headed home Spurs second goal the Spurs end erupted, what a fantastic feeling. From that point on although there was always the niggling concern in the back of my head we went on to win the 2008 Carling Cup Final and well deserved it was. The noise of the supporters, the pure joy on all the supporters faces, including my own smug face, as I slapped Bob on the back.

The next 30 minutes were a blast from the past such a great feeling to win something again and I feel very privileged that I was able to attend this cup final. Thanks to my very dear friends at Bradnam Joinery who have gone out of their way to make life as enjoyable as it can be. Thank you all very much.

If we had of lost obviously this blog would read completely different because I would have been feeling incredible guilty for abusing Bob in every possible way I could have done. But hey today life is good.

I tried to download the video I took at the game of Spurs fans going mad and Bob standing there with a very miserable look on his face but Bob you will be glad to know I couldn't do it!!

The journey home was fine Bob got us home in no time and back home by about 8.30. As I write this blog, although tired, I feel like I did this morning, a 12 year old in a sweet shop.

Happy Birthday Ledley (he was a good omen after all)

Heartfelt Thanks

Thanks to everyone for the overwhelming response for our plea for drivers, which is very much appreciated. As soon as we know when I can go, I shall get in contact with you.

I have been saving all my energy this week for the big event tomorrow. Very much looking forward to going to the cup final where I hope to see Tottenham Hotspur outclass a dodgy Chelsea side. All the signs point to a win especially as our dog, Ledley, has his 1st birthday tomorrow. I could be a very happy man tomorrow or I could be ignoring the pathetic comments of my mate Bob all the way home, that's if he's still standing after a blow to the head with my portable oxygen cylinder.

The week has had it's ups and downs. The long days take their toll I try to refrain from sleeping during the day so I can maintain my sleep pattern during the night. The worst part of the day is between six and ten for some reason. It's when I feel most tired and agitated. With any illness it seems to be the evening which is the worst. Poor Susan seems to cop the worst part of the day when I am at my most miserable, but she still smiles at me and does everything she possibly can. Inside she must be thinking "you arse" because I am not a good patient (love you Susan). As far as my general condition is concerned I feel pretty good. The pain seems to be under control again and my brother Rod has even managed to ask a top Japanese cancer specialist to look at my case notes and see if the best of the best in Japan can come up with any ideas. I have so many people helping me and giving me support I'm sure I can kick the arse out of this. I am going back to Addenbrookes on Monday to be marked up for my Radiotherapy. Will be interesting to see if the Radiotherapy has a quicker effect than the chemo.

Saturday has been a lovely day, I enjoy the days when Susan doesn't have to work. They actually feel like normal days where we just carry on doing what most people do. It was nice to have my sister Diana and her partner Chris over for lunch. We had a very pleasant afternoon just chatting.

Last night was encouraging, Susan managed to persuade me to go for a walk, which is something I have been reluctant to do, but we managed to walk our dog Ledley to the heath and back. It was probably only about a mile and a quarter and I did have to have a rest when we got to the park while Susan let Ledley off the lead. It was a very slow walk back but I did it and it helped me sleep so it's something I'll try again soon. (that sounds so boring but its such an achievement for me).

Glory, Glory Tottenham Hotspur

A Better Day than I Thought

Another day spent in the oncology dept at Addenbrookes Hospital. More scans, bloods, x rays etc but I wont bore you with those details. I'll have to go for a vein transplant soon as they keep colapsing. Saw Dr Haba today and he has finally decided the way forward is a 2 and a half week course of Radiotherapy. The chemo seems to have slowed the tumour growth down but not stopped it and hasn't worked as much as he would have liked so he thinks radiotherapy will be the hard hit it needs.

The last few days have been difficult. I have been feeling very sick although I am taking handfuls of anti sickness tablets but it could be due to the four courses of antibiotics I have been taking every day for a week. The acute tiredness is still a problem and even writing this is a struggle as my brain just cannot cope sometimes.

Its very important I keep myself in peak physical condition this week as this Sunday is the big day. My beloved Spurs are on the verge of great things again I can't wait to see my mate Bob stuck with all the Spurs supporters wearing a Chelsea shirt at least I can console myself that if Spurs do loose he'll get a good kicking (joke).

I desparately want to go to the game but it is all in the lap of the Gods and just pray I can stay well enough to make it.

My sense of humour seems to have escaped me this week. Susan and I are just so tired too tired to joke and laugh without effort. Simple things make us laugh like the amount of effort it takes for me to have a pooh and the Tesco employee who rammed my car with a trolly trying to get between my car and hers through a gap an ant would have struggled to get through. When challanged had total amnesia as to the fact she had done it and if it wasn't for the fact I have the lung capacity of a newt I would have got out of the car and slapped her. Then I wonder why we run out of energy to laugh.

I want to thank my dear Susan because she takes time off work, drives me everywhere and never complains and only gets upset when she thinks I can't see her.

To all those people who have offered their help I wondered if I might now call those offers in. The Radiotherapy is every day for 2 and a half weeks excluding weekends but only lasts for a few minutes each time. I wondered if anyone would have the spare time during the week to give me a lift to Addenbrookes and home. My car is available to use from here and on sunny days we can put the roof down! Susan can't take time out every day and nor can her mum and apart from them I don't have anyone else to take me. The hospital transport is very hit and miss and takes several patients at a time and I just can't stay awake long enough to be able to use it.

I thought maybe I could work out a system for those willing and able and maybe each person may only have to do one trip in the two weeks. We don't know the dates or times yet but let me know if you can help me and we can work something out. I hope you don't think we are being cheeky but as everyone has been so helpful and offered so much help we thought we could ask.

I feel I have had a better day today than I thought I was going to which makes me happy.

This is me with my new hairdo having an oxygen fix. Haven't quite lost all my hair yet. After watching it slide down the plug hole and blocking it, it was time to change my image. Hope the girls at JJ Burgess don't change their opinion (read the comments on the last update) as my smouldering good looks have taken a bit of a slide recently! Really wanted to post a picture for my brother Rod so he can see how I look.

Suffering with a bit of sickness today but on a happier note five days without a bowel movement was rectified to the extreme which allowed me to finish "my bookie wookie" by Russell Brand.

Just a quick update today more as it happens!

Home at last

At last I came home on Friday evening. Was feeling much better in the morning and really ready to go home. The Drs came and saw me following their meeting with colleagues at Papworth but decided they didn't want to do anything until I have had my next scheduled scan on 18th February. They decided I was too comprimised at the moment to be able to cope with more treatment and want me to have a rest and be as well as possible before they start again.

Having been kicked out of bed at 2.30 I then had to wait at Addenbrookes pharmacy until 6.30 to be allowed to take my controlled drugs after having them signed off by a nurse. Susan picked me up and we made our way home. I felt pure elation to get out of the hospital but really tired. We got home but obviously the days events had taken their toll on my weak frame and after a shaking fit and a good old blast on my oxygen (any takers are welcome to Knettishall Heath Oxygen Bar for pure oxygen on tap 24/7) I went to bed exhausted but happy to be in my own bed at last.

I woke up to the beautiful sunshine on Saturday morning all on my own with no nurse shaking me or crazy fellow patients shouting they had a bottle stuck up their bottom!! Just the peacefulness of the countryside and the birds and the snowdrops. It was a good weekend to be released. The perfect day started with the perfect omlete. Whilst eating the perfect omlete 2 cup final tickets were delivered courtesy of my Bradnam Joinery collegues to whom I am eternally grateful. We had a wander around our garden in the warm sunshine and then I drove the short distance to the Heath and sat with Susan, her mum and Ledley and had a short picnic. I drove back as the sun was setting and settled down for the evening.

Unfortunately the shaking of the previous night returned whilst I had visitors which cut the evening short while I hooked up to my oxygen and scared my vistors 5 year old half to death. I embarrased myself further by talking about how my trainers were really nice and that I'd only worn them once!! Confusing this poor child even further he asked if he could catch what I had!! It seems oxygen, the cold and my morphine make a recipe for disaster on the talking bollocks front!

However, I went to bed early having had a wonderful first day out. Sunday saw an equally beautiful day warm and sunny again. I didn't feel quite as strong as the day before and had to put visitors off. Susan had to go to Gorleston Crematorium with forms and I decided a ride out would eliviate boredom without having to think, speak, drive or stay awake. It was a lovely day for a drive and had a sleep on the way home. Upon our return a couple of friends came to visit but I couldn't stay awake and fell asleep while they were here. Never mind they understand how hard this is for me.

Susan and I went to her mums for tea, after which I had another 2 hour power nap and awoke in time to go home. The shakes started again but I was ready for them this time with my trusty fleece blanket that my brother Mick and sister in law gave me for our Wedding. What a god send that blanket has been. Good choice! I took all my drugs including the injection in my stomach for the clot and went to bed knackered again.

What an exhausting existance I have. In summary I have been off work for 3 months, other than the illness, boredom is the biggest factor. It is important to motivate myself to do things but the lack of energy and strength make life a struggle. The overwhelming support from my family and friends and my wife keep me going beyond belief. It's nice to know people are reading this blog thank you to everybody.

Still Inside!

Sorry it's still the ghost writer. Vic is now on day 6 of his spell on the inside! Its been a real roller coaster visit this time. It has felt just like it did when we were first told Vic had cancer. The Dr we saw on his admission on Friday decided the pain Vic was still having in his ribs could be due to secondary Cancer in his bones, which is often where lung cancer produces secondaries. Vic had his scan, which he absolutely hates being that he is very claustrophobic, on Monday. After an agonising evening's wait they finally told him on Tuesday morning that the scan was clear but the reason for the large amount of pain is due to ALL his ribs being broken on that side and most of them in several places. Ouch!

I have to say just to be told there were no secondaries meant we couldn't actually care less if he had no ribs at all! Dr Gilligan and his team couldn't decide if the chemo has actually been working and being that Vic's tumour is quite unusual, as it would be, they have sent their findings to another team at Papworth and will give their decision as to the next course of treatment on Friday so no chemo today but they may replace chemotherapy with radiotherapy. They discovered Vic is anaemic again so he will be having another blood transfusion tonight.

Otherwise, apart from being so very tired, Vic is slowly feeling better, eating more and keeping his fluids up himself. When he gets parole we will post Vic's thoughts of his incarceration especially his version of events and his cellmates on his ward.

Ghost Writer

Hi to you all, sorry you have the ghost writer today, ie her indoors!

Unfortunately the shit hit the fan this week so Vic is not able to write this himself. As his ghost writer I am filling you all in whats going on.

Vic had his chemo on Wednesday but wasn't feeling particularly good. The Dr had already offered him a blood transfusion and decided Wednesday was as good a day as any to give it to him. Vic had 2 pints of blood and seemed to be feeling quite good. By Thursday he wasn't quite so perky and by Thursday night felt horrible. But Vic being Vic soldiered on until 5.30 of Friday morning and then decided he needed to call the hospital.

To cut a long story short he was admitted back to Addenbrookes on good old D9 with a rip roaring lung infection and a blood clot in his lung. Today sees him off the oxygen and holding his own with a constant IV of antibiotics and fluids. Hes having blood test and scans galore.

After seeing him tonight he seemed more himself, rather than the grumpy old man I took to hospital Friday morning. He's exhuasted and fed up but otherwise just happy to be in safe hands and no pain.

Hopefully the heparin injections will disperse the clot and the infection should be under control soon and he can come home. Fingers crossed he can have the chemo on Wednesday again as planned.

How bloody horrible this bloody disease is. Why is it always the nice people?

Anyway, thanks to you all for reading this, we love reading the comments, it helps to know people are interested and the good wishes do help us. Thanks for being there.

SSDD

Monday's trip to Addenbrookes to see the consultant. He's a nice man and looks a bit like an Iranian Dom Jolly but doesn't have a large telephone with him (fortunately). Spent hours reading 6 month old women's own consuming multiple packs of Walkers french fries.

Other than 6 month old women's own the waiting room is full of so many people going backwards and forwards to blood tests, x ray etc. Some look tired, grumpy, happy, sad, confused and scared. Some are on their own some with relatives some have hair some don't some look perfectly normal some look really sick, some have missing limbs some have full colostomies (I must start thinking before I ask Susan if she's farted at the top of my voice)! The only common ground is we all have cancer or are with someone who has cancer.

I met up with two of my cronies from ward D9. Nick who has cancer in his foot. He's 20 and had a football scholarship in America. it took 11 doctors to diagnose him. He was quite upbeat as usual. He was in the bed next to me when I was admitted. We spent a few nights talking about cancer and chemo. He has had his lifetime allowance of Chemo. He was about to re admitted as his chemo takes 20 hours to go through. He was happy that he ONLY has 7 weeks left.

Then there was Patrick, who shared the ward with me and Nick. He only has one arm. I don't know his story but he's a nice man. This poor man had to endure me and my big mouth on the ward. Just as he passed my bed one day I asked Susan where my arms were? No not under the influence of drugs just wondering why my arms were so thin. My brother Rod later asked him if he needed a hand when trying to open the toilet door!! It must run in the family.

Back in the waiting room the main excitement was when the till roll at the WRVS coffee bar packed up and I had to wait for 3 incredibly old ladies with permed hair to work out how to change it. I spent a full 2 or 3 minutes marvelling at the array of different coloured hair dyes the elderly get their hands on. They had to resort to mental arithmetic occasionally adding separate items of unknown cost just to add to the excitement. Fortunately a Hyacinth Bucket lookalike came to the rescue with a new till roll. I felt proud to be British that this ancient voluntary organisation has kept the NHS going so long.

Typically as I went to consume my large hand full of crisps and sweets the Dr summoned me. The hours of waiting was followed by 2.7 minutes of consultation time to say it was too early to say if the chemo was working and as my cancer is very unusual he will schedule a scan in a couple of weeks. Oh joy how I love to lay in that iron lung just the thing for a claustrophobic who is short on lung capacity (I can feel some Valium coming on). Just as I was leaving, the consultant came through to reception to offer me a blood transfusion, I though that as I hadn't had one of those yet, why not! I feel kind of guilty I only donated 2 pints in the past and will now have it all back in one hit!

An exhausting day, Susan and I made our way home, I finished my day watching my life line, the African Nations, while my other life line (Susan) snored her head off on the settee feeling just as exhausted as me.

I feel tired but content at the moment. Chemo starts again on Wednesday as the Tuesday clinic was full.

Week Off

A week with no chemo is very nice, but psycologically you want the treatment to carry on so you can feel your body is still being attacked vigorously. I seem to have got my drugs sorted out again I think I'll stick to the specialists advice at the hospital and not bother with the GP. My GP decided it was ok to halve my dose of morphine in the morning and at night with chronic consequenses. Went from day tripping to day sweating with pain! I think he is scared of me!

The overwhelming problem I have is BOREDOM. The blog has been a good idea and thank you all for taking the time to read it and reply to me.

It would be nice to have more energy. My lung capacity is still low and it makes me breathless and starved of oxygen. My brain gets very tired and doesn't always function properly, I get confused easily and can't remember things sometimes.

On the plus side I may soon be able to have a blue disabled parking badge so I can't park anywhere I like. My colleague Bob is very kindly trying to get me a cup final ticket in the diabled section. I could then get to see my beloved Tottenham Hotspur.

Back to hospital tomorrow for more tests to see if I am fit enough to have the chemo planned for Tues.

Day Tripping

Time to reduce the MST and oramorph! Woke up early this morning as my wife had to get out for an early start. She was kind enough to leave me a fortisip protein drink (mmmmm) and a cup of tea. I took my normal array of drugs and nodded into a world of euphoria. My whole body felt like it was floating all comforted and warm in my bakewell tart bed I was laying in. Every muscle and sinue in my body was warmed by the overwhelming feeling of calm. No pain, no strain. Just perfect bliss. I LOVE MORPHINE!

The worrying thing was FOUR hours later when my wife returned I was still laying there! And even with Susan's attempts to get me out of bed by putting on the tumble dryer (my enemy since being ill) it was still such an effort to tear myself away from my bakewell tart.

After a conversation with my GP he thought perhaps I should reduce the MST (rather than doubling them like I thought) it appears I have been tripping lately.

After I had come round I had a good afternoon. I feel I have been in the real world talking to people on the phone keeping my sanity. Even our dog has been nice to me today. He hasn't liked me since I've been ill as I don't have the energy to interact with him.

Approaching my next dose of drugs boy I'm gonna miss that tablet!

Learning the hard way

Make sure you listen to other people it's very easy to be wrapped up in your own little world and think you are ok. I find what the mind says you can do and what the body allows you to do are two completely different things.

I wanted to see me daughter who I haven't seen for four weeks and just take her to the cinema and watch a film. Against the advice of everyone else I was going to drive the hour journey to pick her up. After a severe talking to from my wife, my mother-in-law and my best friend I decided this wasn't a good idea. The drugs I am taking (MST) a form of morphine mean I cannot drive.

I was taken to my daughters house by a friend and the journey was horrendous. I felt sick but it was a pleasure to see my daughter. We went to the pictures, a haven of germs I shouldn't have been among waiting to polax my immune system. but I had to do it, I miss her, and my son, so much.

I sat through the film enduring the deafening noises. St. Trinians felt like a couple of hours of nuclear warfare. I don't even know what the film consisted of at all. We were picked up again and took her home. When I got home all I could do was go to bed. I feel like I'm living in a vacuum its so difficult to communicate.

A very valuable lesson was learned last night I can only do what my body says I can do.

I had my second lot of chemo today. After the butcher of Addenbrookes got hold of me and tried to put the needles in four times in each hand I have very bruised hands but I feel very fortunate today. I only had 45 minutes of chemo compared to others there today having to have hours of chemo.

I get a break of two weeks now before I have to go back for the next lot. Hopefully it will give my rib further time to repair. My mother in law Dianne came with me today to keep me company and kept me well entertained. She can talk for hours but she is very interesting.

I came home and had two hours sleep so far so good.

Me

12th January 2008

Incase you have just been browsing and found this and don't know who I am, my name is Vic Dashwood. I am 43 years old (or young) and I was diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks ago.

I decided to start a blog for all those speacial people in my life who want to know how I am doing. It's hard for me to speak for long periods of time as I am very tired and get short of breath so I figured this would be easier on all of us.

An update for all my concerned family, friends and colleagues.

Today I am starting my blog so I can let you all know whats going on and to express my sincere thanks to you all for being there and letting me know you all care.

Today sees me at home, one week on from my wedding day on a beautiful day with sunshine and a lovely blue sky.

Its been a long week. On Monday myself, my wife and my brother Rod went to Addenbrookes to have all my tests to see if I would be fit enough to start my chemo.

As we got into the car after another huge wind breaking cough I felt another excrutiating pain in my ribs. THe ride to Addenbrookes seemed to take forever. When we got there I struggled to the outpatients dept to wait for the tests.

Once I was called up they tried totake my blood but the pain was so much I had to get some pain releif (in the form of oramorph my new best friend) and be taken in wheelchair to the x ray dept. Finally feeling some relief I got to see Dr Yassa Abba my consultant who told me my tumour had changed slightly. Apparently nothing about my condition is "normal" (just like me) I'm the wrong age, it didn't present in the usual way, it's not doing normal things. The tumour is more aggresive.

Dr Abba decided I should stay in hospital for pain releif and a rest I hadn't slept for ages at that point. So reluctantly but sensibly I stayed in. What a way to spend your honeymoon, the oncology ward at Addenbrookes hospital!

So the first night was spent being topped up again and again with morphine til at 6.00am I finally was pain free and exhausted. I slept til 11.00 until my lovely wife Susan and Rod came to visit. We had a good day even though I was very tired and slep on and off most of the day. I started my chemo at around 6.30pm.